MockMom is our own little satirical corner — a place for parents to laugh about the ridiculousness associated with parenthood. Enjoy!
Within weeks, you could spot only tumbleweeds rolling down the paper product aisles. One could say, we were up shit’s creek without a paddle.
How would you like to be boiled alive and then fully submerged in a tub of dyes, chemicals, and vinegar?
12.) Should I cut my own hair? I will cut my own hair.
11:50 Unroll your family’s 3rd to last roll of toilet paper. Drag it through mystery puddle.
Read The Hunger Games, watch The Hunger Games, then live The Hunger Games.
“There must be some black-market delivery service out there that I don’t know about. I hope they wear gloves.”
Create a tapestry of despondence and self-loathing. Add human blood for a pop of color.
I like to apply the same principles to kids as I do to poker: always have a pair and a spare.
“We’d hate to suggest that talking openly and honestly about the female body is somehow acceptable.”
When asked why she didn’t report the incident to authorities, the woman quietly replied, “If you were a woman, you’d know.”
“We’re gonna keep on going until that sacrilegious bullshit is banned. And unlike that fruitcake primate, we’re not monkeying around.”
Maybe even better than what our guy-we’d-like-to-have-a-beer-with Elliot has is what he DOESN’T have (a vagina, for example).
Ladies, it looks like we finally have something to look forward to each month other than those stretched out yoga pants and heating pads.
We’re guessing that some man bitched so much to his wife about being sick that the virus couldn’t take its host’s incessant whining anymore.
Deck Cadet went the entire day in dry undies and even managed to deposit a stool sample within the confines of a Target bathroom.
Willy Wanker, head (giggle) of operations at Let’s Get Cocky™, says that his Penis Pals™ have been “selling like hot cocks.”
I breezed through the cereal aisle. Normally I have to field multiple requests for Sugar Smack Bomb cereal.
“That little green freak obviously works for the radical left. SORE LOSERS.”
She jumped up off the bed, gave all the medical staff a high five for fixing her problems, and left the hospital while proudly chanting her college alma mater.
Put a pinch of turmeric in your tea! Bake it into a cake! Snort it like cocaine! There’s no wrong way to consume turmeric.
How many organs have they eaten today? Were they meat or pianos? Are your pianos vegan?
“I can actually put my English degree to good use. Like, by wiping my kid’s butt with it.”
“Just burn those motherfuckers,” she stated in an article recently published in Kids Psych Weekly. “Preferably while your kids are watching.”
I just want to spend my February 14th in comforting, self-loathing isolation without having to worry about some insensitive jackass sending me flowers.
Nothing dismantles the patriarchy more effectively than a woman who has left the workforce. Did you know breastfeeding burns calories? Daddy will love that!
Decide to move to Norway. Hope everyone is willing to help get your son into his snow clothes! It takes a village and they’re into Democratic Socialism, right?
Make sure your chimneys and door frames are up to code. If not, Santa may opt to skip your home, you derelict trash.
Interested in shelling out your life savings for a barely-visible silhouette of the school janitor? We’ve got you covered.
“Before you do anything with your child, stop and ask yourself, ‘Did I read the online advice first?’”
It seems like every single kid in this group is gifted, but I think I read somewhere that only like 5% of kids actually are. Isn’t that weird?
“Did our other kids do this? Why are you looking at me like that?”
At approximately 3 am, the veil between worlds is thinnest, so this is a great time to go to the local Walmart and cast a circle in the parking lot to ensure yourself a space.
“Let’s wait and see where the facts take us. We don’t even know what role the baby played in making all this come about.”
Nothing says “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will” like this woman’s face from the now-infamous Peloton bike ad.
A Complete List of Items My Husband Asked Me to Help Him Find and Their Entirely Unsurprising Locations
This is not Endgame. You cannot claim, “I put it right here!” and expect to be able to go back in time to reclaim it.
This video game for adults is so much fun. I’m sure my kids would like it too, but I won’t let them play it because I like being mean.
According to a press release, Trump on a Stump™ will “definitely, almost 100% make all the bad, bad brats be very, very goodly good this holiday season.”
Who knew Brad Pitt’s body of work so aligned with my life? Now if only he could make movies called “Why Is This Wet?” and “My Best Friend, Chocolate.”
The last time I hoovered an entire pan of brownies guilt-free, I was five and still believed my mother that Husky Girls’ Clothing was for kids who like dogs.
What good is eating food if you can’t do so in a way that makes you feel far superior to all of your lowly, carb-indulgent Facebook friends?
As Stephanie was delivering her placenta, a nurse looked at her with a wide smile and asked, “So, when are you guys thinking about baby #2?”
Timely: Organize books by estimated time-to-read to keep bedtimes consistent and avoid fights about whether or not he just did ten minutes of reading.
“We can’t just go on allowing people to put artificial creamers in their coffee,” she said. “That shit is poison.”
A baby may be hungry or need soothing, but someone’s husband (probably Karen’s) may see a nip for a split second. Don’t be a homewrecker.
People don’t understand that you can train your kid to properly react to being propelled in an accident so that the car seat actually becomes unnecessary.
Make sure your Facebook app is up-to-date. We can’t help you break free of Facebook if you’re using an outdated version of our app.
10. Finish decorating my underground bunker. Stock up on food that doesn’t expire and bottled water.
Dear Emperor Palpatine, Let’s work out a good deal!
By Sarah Jean of Mom Truth Bomb FLORENCE, SC – Thirty-eight year old mother of four, Laura Krause, didn’t know how to react when she made the discovery last Friday afternoon that everything on her to-do list had been completed. In utter disbelief, she checked her list a second, third, and fourth time, coming to […]
All monies in support of the GoFundMe page mentioned in this article will be used for disadvantaged families who can’t post their lives on social media.