MockMom is our own little satirical corner — a place for parents to laugh about the ridiculousness associated with parenthood. Enjoy!
How many organs have they eaten today? Were they meat or pianos? Are your pianos vegan?
“I can actually put my English degree to good use. Like, by wiping my kid’s butt with it.”
“Just burn those motherfuckers,” she stated in an article recently published in Kids Psych Weekly. “Preferably while your kids are watching.”
I just want to spend my February 14th in comforting, self-loathing isolation without having to worry about some insensitive jackass sending me flowers.
Nothing dismantles the patriarchy more effectively than a woman who has left the workforce. Did you know breastfeeding burns calories? Daddy will love that!
Decide to move to Norway. Hope everyone is willing to help get your son into his snow clothes! It takes a village and they’re into Democratic Socialism, right?
Make sure your chimneys and door frames are up to code. If not, Santa may opt to skip your home, you derelict trash.
Interested in shelling out your life savings for a barely-visible silhouette of the school janitor? We’ve got you covered.
“Before you do anything with your child, stop and ask yourself, ‘Did I read the online advice first?’”
It seems like every single kid in this group is gifted, but I think I read somewhere that only like 5% of kids actually are. Isn’t that weird?
“Did our other kids do this? Why are you looking at me like that?”
At approximately 3 am, the veil between worlds is thinnest, so this is a great time to go to the local Walmart and cast a circle in the parking lot to ensure yourself a space.
“Let’s wait and see where the facts take us. We don’t even know what role the baby played in making all this come about.”
Nothing says “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will” like this woman’s face from the now-infamous Peloton bike ad.
A Complete List of Items My Husband Asked Me to Help Him Find and Their Entirely Unsurprising Locations
This is not Endgame. You cannot claim, “I put it right here!” and expect to be able to go back in time to reclaim it.
This video game for adults is so much fun. I’m sure my kids would like it too, but I won’t let them play it because I like being mean.
According to a press release, Trump on a Stump™ will “definitely, almost 100% make all the bad, bad brats be very, very goodly good this holiday season.”
Who knew Brad Pitt’s body of work so aligned with my life? Now if only he could make movies called “Why Is This Wet?” and “My Best Friend, Chocolate.”
The last time I hoovered an entire pan of brownies guilt-free, I was five and still believed my mother that Husky Girls’ Clothing was for kids who like dogs.
What good is eating food if you can’t do so in a way that makes you feel far superior to all of your lowly, carb-indulgent Facebook friends?
As Stephanie was delivering her placenta, a nurse looked at her with a wide smile and asked, “So, when are you guys thinking about baby #2?”
Timely: Organize books by estimated time-to-read to keep bedtimes consistent and avoid fights about whether or not he just did ten minutes of reading.
“We can’t just go on allowing people to put artificial creamers in their coffee,” she said. “That shit is poison.”
A baby may be hungry or need soothing, but someone’s husband (probably Karen’s) may see a nip for a split second. Don’t be a homewrecker.
People don’t understand that you can train your kid to properly react to being propelled in an accident so that the car seat actually becomes unnecessary.
Make sure your Facebook app is up-to-date. We can’t help you break free of Facebook if you’re using an outdated version of our app.
10. Finish decorating my underground bunker. Stock up on food that doesn’t expire and bottled water.
Dear Emperor Palpatine, Let’s work out a good deal!
By Sarah Jean of Mom Truth Bomb FLORENCE, SC – Thirty-eight year old mother of four, Laura Krause, didn’t know how to react when she made the discovery last Friday afternoon that everything on her to-do list had been completed. In utter disbelief, she checked her list a second, third, and fourth time, coming to […]
All monies in support of the GoFundMe page mentioned in this article will be used for disadvantaged families who can’t post their lives on social media.
Zist says that the sales projections for Trump-or-Treat bars are “very, very good, and really, really not bad.”
Everything you bring must be certified organic and made in America. Performance art, including 100 farts on command, don’t count for this assignment.
A neglected port-a-potty: It’s probably less full of shit than Trump.
“Eating rocks has literally changed my life. I tried swallowing an entire geode and inadvertently died, and now I no longer feel trapped in a body I don’t love.”
As part of their new school supply line, you’ll find things like vagina erasers, kevlar backpacks with studded dick zipper-pulls, and pencil sharpeners that give you polka dot stamp-herpes.
Let this be a lesson to all parents – mocking your kids could bring about the end of civilization as we know it.
“Apparently I have to wait until the puppy is 8 weeks old before it can be separated from its mother” she said, rubbing her sleep-deprived eyes.
“Shame about those Ugg boots she was wearing,” the ambulance driver later told us. “Coffee stains are a bitch to get out.”
I look so cute drinking it, almost like I could be in college! OMG, do you need to see my I.D.? Hashtag sorry not sorry, Ashley.
A Sephorror rep tells us that the shades offered will range from “ignorantly unsubtle” to “in-your-face obnoxious.”
Thanks again, and I look forward to not being available tomorrow, so you’ll have to go over all of this again with someone completely new! Have a great day!
The anonymity of being behind a computer screen gives her this inner-bitch she never realized existed before.
Maybe people weren’t hugged enough as kids. Maybe they were hugged too much.
By Ingrid Podwil Lately, there’s been a lot of great postpartum body positivity circulating the internet, like Meghan Markle not hiding her post-baby bump in her portrait with Prince Harry and their son Archie. I thought I’d add some neat tricks to the pile of postpartum positivity. 1. All my extra skin keeps me safe […]
Trump also cited Dora’s relationship with her friend “Map” as “proof that she and her monkey are definitely, almost 100% certainly not from this country.”
Other considerations for countertop placement included the empty juice container from the fridge and the empty cracker box in the pantry.
The truth is, I’m better without them. I longingly find myself tempted to stalk their known hangouts, but self-control gets the better of me.
To ensure that reality remains unclear and vaguely unsettling, constantly question your idolized infinitesimal’s preferences and activities.
Implementing these techniques and principles will ensure your future world leader will hum bars from Triumphs and Death on cue.
“My boys are 14 now, and they said ‘No way’ to photos on the first day of school,” Jacobs explained. “I was like, ‘Fine by me.’”