MockMom is our own little satirical corner — a place for parents to laugh about the ridiculousness associated with parenthood. Enjoy!
How to Help a Mom Who Just Gave Birth (To the Son of God)
By MockMom Your virgin friend recently had a baby, and you’re probably wondering how to help. Here are some basic dos and don’ts to keep in mind when helping a mom who just gave birth (to Jesus Christ): Ask if she is OK with having visitors. Do not swing by […]
Brave Mother in Stable Condition After 40-Minute Minecraft Conversation
She has support from her husband and teenage daughter, but it’s too soon to tell if that will be enough to repair her psyche fully.
Man Doesn’t Understand Why His Wife Is Always Exhausted
A local husband is very concerned for his wife, who claims to be exhausted despite getting a full night’s sleep. Doug Ellison, 37, says he first started to worry about her after he watched the kids one Saturday morning so that she could sleep in. “When we went to […]
A Sneak Peek at Ben Shapiro’s $100 Million Conservative Kids Network
By MockMom Contributors The Daily Wire, founded by Ben Shapiro and Jeremy Boreing (yes, that’s his real name), has announced that it will spend $100 million to launch its own kids’ network to rival “woke” Disney (also real). “We’re going to start making kids content over here at Daily Wire […]
What to Get Your Valentine Based on Her Astrology Sign
Valentine’s Day is all about being with the one you love, and showing her how much you care for her. Unless you have kids, and then you’re probably reading this through tears because your sitter canceled and your kids won’t stop screaming. Fear not, we’re here to help you […]
Divine Intervention? Everyone in Family Holiday Photo Has Eyes Open
In what matriarch Rosalee Edmunds is calling the result of “divine intervention,” everyone in the Edmunds’ family holiday photo has their eyes open. Rosalee, mother of 4 and grandmother of 10, had set aside 2.5 hours of her family’s holiday gathering specifically for the purpose of taking the family holiday […]
Mom Convinced Baby Babbles Passive-Aggressively Like Mother-in-Law
New mother Sandra O’Malley knew the excitement of having her first child would eventually wear off. She just didn’t expect what would cause it. Until three weeks ago, O’Malley, 31, had been happy ever since she had a given birth to her first child, baby girl Amber, six months […]
Woman Issues Apology For Saying ‘Sorry’ Too Often
It’s recently been brought to my attention that I apologize too often and for this I’m truly sorry. Now that I’ve taken some time to reflect on my behavior, I can see where apologizing at least a dozen times a day might be excessive. The constant apologizing is mostly subconscious, […]
I LIVED IT: I Died and My Kids Still Asked Me for a Snack
I’m dead, but my kids still ask me for a snack. It wasn’t enough that they asked before breakfast, during breakfast, after breakfast, six times before lunch, eleven times during lunch, two dozen times before dinner, right after dinner, right before bed, right after bed, and in the middle of […]
Mother Needs Support Raising Children, Asks Siri for Directions to the Village
Sarah Miller, mother of three, recently inquired about where to get support in raising her children. “I was really just looking for some support without judgment. I was hoping to find people who could understand that I make mistakes and don’t have all the answers all the time. I […]
Re: Your Request to Exchange Your Son’s Eternal Damnation for Your Own
Dear Ms. Smith, We received your inquiry regarding exchanging the eternal damnation of your unbaptized son for your own. We appreciate your willingness to burn in the everlasting fires of Hell for your child; however, after careful consideration and review of your case file, we will unfortunately not be able […]
Local Man Searching For More Crap To Put On Counter
Other considerations for countertop placement included the empty juice container from the fridge and the empty cracker box in the pantry.
Infertile Couple Told to Relax, Finally Able to Conceive
To the casual observer, Lonnie and Laura Barron looked like they had everything: a loving relationship, a beautiful home, lucrative jobs, the freedom and expendable income to go on vacation without having to buy the “family package.” But the thing they wanted most was a child to share their […]
Local Mother Attacked for Taking Hatless Baby Outdoors
A local mother was attacked by a group of senior citizens for taking her 6-month-old daughter to the grocery store without a hat. According to the police report, the victim, Paula (who asked that her last name be withheld) ran out of diapers on Wednesday and drove to her […]
New Mom Can’t Find Word To Describe Emotions on Wheel Of Feelings
Cleveland, Ohio — Since Brie Jennings, 34, gave birth to her daughter six months ago, it has been a daily struggle to find one word to encapsulate her feelings. “Each moment has been filled with elation, then fear, then frustration, followed by overwhelming loneliness, then a kind of dreadful […]
Trendspotting! Dad Bods Hot, Mom Bods Still Gross
From Contouring to Delayed Vaccination Schedules, here’s a look at what’s hot and what’s not this week: IN: Dad bods. Chubby is still chic for dads. Who needs a six-pack on a man when you can have the whole keg? Amirite, ladies? OUT: Mom bods. Yuck. Unless moms show […]
Mom Reaches Count of Three, Has No Idea What to Do Next
ST. LOUIS– In a move that captured the attention of the entire playground, local mom Stephanie Lancaster reached the count of three. “He’s usually so good, but we skipped his nap today,” Lancaster tearfully justified of her son who wouldn’t allow other kids down the slide without knowing the password. […]
Local Introvert Can’t Wait for Playdate to Be Over Already
Local introvert Heidi Wells, having already spent a considerable amout of time quietly checking her phone, is reportedly “so fucking ready” for a playdate for her 3-year-old son to be over. The invitation for the playdate came after Wells made the mistake of engaging in eye contact with another […]
I Tried KonMari and Threw Away My Family
Letting go of clutter is not hard to do. It’s determining what is really clutter that’s the difficult part. I mean, of course that piece of paper with five scribbles on it that you’ve kept under the guise that one day you’ll put it in your child’s memory book as […]
Sexy Kitten Disappointed Halloween Hookup Isn’t Real Doctor
When Brittany Katz woke up, she learned the man in bed next to her wasn’t who she thought. Katz, a 27-year-old dental hygienist from Arlington, VA, left a Halloween party with a man dressed as a doctor. She later learned that man was Josh Adams, a 32-year-old Assistant Night Manager […]
Goals Alert! Woman Tells Client All the Way Off by Saying, “Apologies for the Inconvenience”
After a harrowing couple of months on the job as a customer support representative, employee and mother of two Amanda Byrnes finally mustered the courage to tell a particularly cantankerous client all the way off. “I had had enough of his complaining, berating, and downright inappropriate pontificating,” said Byrnes. “I […]
Wow! Woman Who Used Craigslist Only Murdered ‘A Little Bit’
Of course Cynthia Brown of Knoxville, TN was aware of the dangers of buying and selling on Craigslist, but in a desperate attempt to get rid of the broken washer and dryer littering her laundry room, the mom took a chance. Imagine her surprise when the purchaser showed up, and […]
Parenting Advice From a 1980s Mom
So you’re having a baby. Congratulations! No doubt 15 of your closest friends are already planning a Tupperware baby shower in your honor, complete with all the Jello salad and tuna casserole you can eat. But what happens after the crepe paper streamers come down and you’re left with a […]
Casual Cool Ways to Wear Your Cat This Fall
The leaves are changing and there’s a chill in the air. It’s the perfect time to cozy up to a feline companion, stroke him soothingly, and then drape him over your neck like a scarf. If Mr. Jingles proves cooperative, you can even wear him as a hat. Cat-wearing is […]
Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Ninja…Parent?
Don’t even waste your energy on complaining about the mess, as this will only throw off your concentration.
Mom Who Took One Week Off From Cleaning Buried Alive by Garbage
By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin Mama RALEIGH, NC ⏤ Mom of three, Halley Miller, who works full time and until recently was virtual schooling all of her kids, took a much-needed break from cleaning and was promptly buried alive by all the crap her family produced in ONE week during […]
I Got a Sister Wife So I Could Read a Book for a Few Effing Minutes
Although everyone’s journey into polyamory is probably different, mine started with 10 years of being the primary partner in charge of all-things domestic, including cooking, cleaning, and shopping. I needed a break. I just wanted to sit down for 30 minutes to read a damn book. And that meant bringing […]
Forget Helicopter Parenting: 12 New Machine-Based Parenting Styles
Withhold affection from your child, then one day begin to say the words, “I love you,” but never
let the word “love” fall from your lips.
Are You Attending a PTA Meeting or Watching a Reality TV Competition Show?
Whether it’s during the final episode or budget discussions, a “shocking surprise twist” is likely.
FAQs About The Vampire In Your Child’s Preschool Class
We are thrilled to welcome Lilliana, our school’s first vampire student, to our Turning Fours classroom!
Virtual School Helps Social-Emotional Growth, But Learning… Not so Much
The only thing my son has learned from fourteen months of distance learning is how to turn a playground argument into a chat box argument,
Protect The Environment by Using Paper Bags to Transport Gasoline
While it’s important to applaud hoarding precious items during a crisis, we also need to be mindful of the world around us.
How To Avoid Other Parents At The Playground
You went through all of that trouble just to have a potential 30-minute break while your kid finds someone else to play with.
My Coworkers Are Too Young to Get My ’80s References So Excuse Me While I Walk Into the Sea
So naturally, I now have no choice but to walk into the ocean to embrace my fate as an old sea hag.
Millennial Mom Apologizes for Not Being a Fuggin’ Oracle
This letter will turn into a novel if I list all my missed opportunities in my twenties and thirties to refine my skills in forecasting the future.
Guided Meditation For Parents Who Want To Be Chill, But Are Actually Ticking Timebombs
Whatever your toddler is drinking probably isn’t so very dangerous and poison control is tired of hearing from you anyway.
I Just Found Out PTO Doesn’t Stand for Pretentious Tw*t Offensive, and I Am Shook
If you want to be more involved in your kids’ education, you might want to start reading those emails instead of immediately deleting them.
Minnesotans Soon to Have Hybrid Parenting Options
All Minnesota parents will be able to opt-in to virtual parenting options starting this month under emergency order.
Curious George Henceforth Known as “George” to Discourage Kids from Labeling
“George doesn’t have to be curious all the time. Maybe sometimes he’s Angry George, or Ambitious George, or Sad, Confused, and Tired George.
Not-So-Grimm Fairy Tale Reboots for Non-Misogynist, Non-Maltreating, Non-Child-Eating Households
Where the siblings stumble upon the gingerbread house of a witch… but she’s not a hungry cannibal
Toilet Paper Sales Plummet as Vaccine Rates Soar
“Cottonelle: We’re here to help you fulfill all your vandalism needs!” the ad proclaims. “Try our mega rolls for the ultra shenaniganning experience!”
The Best Lipstick Shades That Say “I Used to Be Good At Blowies!”
That doesn’t mean that there’s not still a sexy spark deep within my epiglottis that longs for the good old days of dating and fellating.
Quick and Easy Dinner Recipes So You Can Fake Your Own Death and Fly to Fiji
Who has time to work all day, clean up after kids, do the housework, rock in the corner and cry, make some impromptu Amazon purchases in the false hope that they’ll somehow restore purpose to your life, consider faking your own death and flying to Fiji, and then cook dinner on top of it all?
I Got Kicked Out of Pole-Dancing Class Because My Spontaneous Orgasms Were Too Disruptive
I guess I’m going to have to find another way to get my fitness on while simultaneously expressing my inner sexy beast.
Local Church Lobbies to Shut Down Hot Yoga Classes for Being “Too Provocative”
These brothel-like establishments are luring women in with empty promises of relaxation, fitness, and ‘escape’ time
Lego Slammed for Promoting Unrealistic Body Image
The popular toy production company, known for its interlocking bricks and iconic “minifigures,” is being slammed for creating a “toxic environment for children”
I’m Mad About Mr. Potato Head Because I’m Weirdly Invested In Vegetable Genders!
I’ve added a pair of truck nuts to him. Because as a patriot, I think we need to stop not sexualizing children’s toys! THIS ARGUMENT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD!
Middle-aged Woman, 50, Reported Missing in Forever 21
The sales associate suggested that mall security guards check Eddie Bauer and Pottery Barn. “Or there are these stores called Talbot’s or Chico’s. That’s where my grandma shops.”
Reinventing Myself Through The Power of Kombucha
Without Kombucha, our lives would have been like all other boring millennials, focused on rising the corporate ladder, saving for retirement, and paying off the mortgage.
Should You Get the Vaccine or Trust the Guy Who Snorts WD-40 While Taking a Dump?
We are living in unprecedented times. There’s no question that Covid-19 has taken a toll on our mental, physical, and emotional health. The virus has shut down businesses, overtaxed healthcare workers, put a financial strain on small business owners, forced parents into the hell known as e-learning, and killed over […]