“Cottonelle: We’re here to help you fulfill all your vandalism needs!” the ad proclaims. “Try our mega rolls for the ultra shenaniganning experience!”

Toilet Paper Sales Plummet as Vaccine Rates Soar

By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

Toilet paper companies across the country are taking a huge hit as the number of people receiving the Covid-19 vaccination continues to rise.

“Everyone seems to be back to purchasing a reasonable amount of toilet paper, and now we can’t get rid of the massive stockpile we produced at the peak of Covid,” stated a representative from Quilted Northern. “We’ve had to halt production entirely, and that’s led to a lot of layoffs. The bottom line is, well, that people already have more than what they need to wipe their bottom lines.”

Some companies have gotten so desperate that they’ve changed their marketing strategy completely. Cottonelle’s latest commercial is clearly targeted toward delinquent teens, as it shows a group of kids TPing an elderly woman’s yard while she waves a cane and shouts at them from her front porch:

“Cottonelle: We’re here to help you fulfill all your vandalism needs!” the ad proclaims. “Try our mega rolls for the ultra shenaniganning experience!”

Manufacturers and their employees aren’t the only ones being affected by the recent sales drop. Retailers nationwide are finding themselves burdened with a huge toilet paper surplus, and many are struggling to find space for all the excess product. Store security cameras throughout the US have captured haggard managers in action, desperately pushing packs of toilet paper on unsuspecting customers while they try to shop.

One incident caught on tape at a Costco in rural Indiana shows several employees bombarding a woman when she cried out “Shit!” after someone accidentally ran over her foot with a shopping cart.

“Shit? Did you say shit?” one worker asked, throwing a six pack of Charmin into the startled woman’s shopping cart. “Sounds like you need some toilet paper. Take this. There’s more in aisle 5. Also in aisles 1, 2, 4, 7, and 9. And some smaller packs near the checkout counters where we used to keep the candy bars. Are you a Scott girl? Angel Soft? You look like an Angel Soft gal to me. What’s your ply preference?”

The woman was seen abandoning her shopping cart and swiftly exiting the store as another employee shouted, “We’ve got ultra-plush!” after her.

Coming off the heels of “The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020,” financial experts are referring to the current crisis as “The Great Toilet Paper Sales Stagnation of 2021.”

“There’s really no telling how long this will last,” stated senior finance analyst Stephen Deuce. “With the uptick in vaccination rates, I just don’t see things turning around any time soon, unless the country is hit with a major wave of food poisoning. The demand just isn’t there right now.”


About the Author

Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and four lazy cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and peanut butter (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.