Create a tapestry of despondence and self-loathing. Add human blood for a pop of color.

18 Ways Toilet Paper Will Save Your Life During the Viral Apocalypse

Create a tapestry of despondence and self-loathing. Add human blood for a pop of color.

By MockMom Contributors

By now, you’ve certainly heard of COVID-19, the Coronavirus that’s making waves across the world as every bitch and her extended network run to clear out Costco of the Lysol Wipes, hand sanitizer, and… toilet paper?

That’s right, folks, toilet paper.

Sure, it’s a respiratory illness, but who’s to say that the anxiety that comes along with a viral apocalypse won’t give your IBS a reason to come out swinging, giving you a solid excuse for having 34 family-sized jumbo packs of ass-wipe filling every nook and cranny of your house?

And that’s not the only thing toilet paper is good for. Yes, we’ve seen the memes laughing at us TP-hoarders, but rest assured, we’re going to have the last laugh when the world is brought to its knees and the kingdom of Heaven is actually a fuggin’ fortress made of Charmin. Who’s laughing now, bitch?

18 Ways Toilet Paper Will Definitely Save Your Life During the Viral Apocalypse

You can stuff it in your ears when you can’t listen to another goddamn word of the news.

Fashion a festive wreath that says, “Hey! We crave human interaction but will definitely kill you if you try to snag our last can of refried beans!” to hang outside your doomsday bunker for a hospitable but willing to shank a bitch sort of vibe.

You can wrap it around yourself and pretend that you’re a mummy come to life to scare off any home invaders.

Similarly, engage the whole family in an exciting craft project aimed at weaving TP squares into tiny coffins for the pieces of your respective souls murdered during quarantine.

You can build a paper mache fortress while you wait for the fall of civilization.

Use it to smother the first person to incite a rousing round of “My Corona!”

You can light it on fire to match the stability of your chakras.

You can hide beneath it in much the same way you hide your conscious being from reality.

You can use it to barter for the real necessities like vodka and chocolate.

Use it as streamers to celebrate the downfall of civilization.

Use the squares to make a quilt to match the cloak of despair that is now your life.

Practice cocooning yourself in it to preserve warmth in the apocalypse.

Weave a tapestry of despondence and self-loathing. Add human blood for a pop of color.

You can use it to make spit-wads as ammunition when you run out of real bullets.

Fashion cut-out recreations of your former dreams.

Shiplap? More like shitsplat. Interior decorating in the post-Joanna Gaines era.

Play a fun game of “Pin the Paper on Maslow’s Hierarchy” to determine which of your family’s basic needs you’re incapable of meeting next!

Maybe you can use it to, like, literally wipe off the dumbass.


Special thanks to the following MockMom contributors: Lola Lolita, Samantha Wassel, Kristina Johnson, and Melissa Morritt Coble