By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
A report from the CDC was released yesterday announcing that the recently-widespread and fear-invoking “coronavirus” is actually a highly evolved and mutated form of the common “man flu.”
“What makes this strain of the virus particularly terrifying—and what sets it apart from the normal man flu—is that it is nondiscriminatory when it comes to gender,” CDC spokeswoman Carrie Faloo stated in a recent press release.
“We’re not sure how the mutation occurred, but we’re guessing that some man, somewhere, bitched so much to his wife about being sick that the virus couldn’t take its host’s incessant whining anymore and finally jumped ship. In other words, even the virus needed a fucking break from the male tendency to act like a melodramatic crybaby when sick. It clearly found a female host much more tolerable.
“Once inside the female body, we believe the man flu virus evolved to become stronger, smarter, and much more productive in its day-to-day tasks.”
Faloo said that symptoms of the coronavirus—or, as she’s now calling it, “The Super Man Flu”—include fever, cough, sore throat, headache, intolerable complaining, and temporary paralysis in the presence of dirty dishes.
“We’ve also received reports that the virus is causing some sort of intestinal distress, as many of those infected appear to be spending extended periods of time sitting on the toilet with the door locked, often accompanied by their smart phones,” Faloo said.
Some experts are speculating that the disease may also contribute to the severe abdominal extension colloquially known as “beer belly.”
“I mean, someone named it CORONAvirus for a reason, you know,” said Jennifer Tailor, an infectious disease specialist at the University of Boohoo I Don’t Feel Good. “It may even spread more quickly in the presence of alcohol. Until we know more, we suggest all women stop fetching beer for their male partners, just to be on the safe side.”
Faloo believes the current most at-risk individuals are wives, girlfriends, and mothers who co-habitate with particularly whiny men.
“As a precaution, we recommend that those living with an infected male get out of the house immediately. We’ve received reports that some communities have already set up safe havens for these women, where they can shower, pee, and even eat without interruption.”
Faloo also recommends that women who may have been exposed to the virus light a candle, take a hot bath, and eat some gourmet chocolate.
“Bath bombs may add an extra layer of protection,” she added. “We’re still studying the exact effects that certain scents have on the female immune system when used in conjunction with some well-deserved and much-needed isolation.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.