Humor Sex and Relationships

To My Husband as He Battles the Fierce Man Cold


Dear Husband,

In front of God and our family we vowed to love each other through it all. Rich or poor, better or worse, healthy or sick, we promised to be there and to support one another till death do us part.

Now here you are lying in bed, on the brink of death due to the dreaded “man cold,” unable to go on. You are moaning and groaning with discomfort. Too sick to help with our young children, too frail to participate in our family. The kids are quietly getting ready for school so as to not disturb your slumber, their faces showing concern for your well-being.

In my haste to care for our girls while you lie in agony, I forget to get myself ready for the day. I usher them out the door and step into the cool air with damp hair, my makeup in a bag and not yet on my face. I will put it on at the red lights like the other women you see in traffic that you glare at with disgust. They must be slack like me.

I promise tomorrow I will wake up at 5:30 and not sleep in till 6 am like a lazy bum. But don’t worry, I will be quiet and not wake you until 7 am as normal. You need your rest.

I see we are running late and I quickly snap our daughters into their car seats and text my boss to let him know I will be late for work since you were too sick to be able to help with the girls today. I will work through lunch again. I don’t need a break since my lady-job isn’t nearly as stressful as yours.

I hope you rest up, dear husband, and feel better soon. I know you must be in extreme discomfort as you don’t like to miss work. I know this because I am always the one to take our precious children to every doctor and dentist appointment. Even though your place of employment is closer to the kids’ school than mine (and to the dentist and doctor), I don’t mind. That is why women get lunch breaks, right? Would you like me to bring you home some soup and hand you the remote?

No, dear husband, don’t get out of bed and try to help me. I have it under control and you don’t need to be shuffling around in your state. I need you to regain your strength so you can be 100% for your fantasy football league this weekend. It is important that you win so our children can be proud of you.

You work on who will be your starting lineup and I’ll make supper while helping with homework and doing laundry. Are you tired from all your intense research on your quarterback? Don’t fret, I’ll clean the kitchen after I put the children in bed, it is women’s work after all. I hear you coughing, I will be right there with a drink and some medicine to sooth your aching body. Bless your heart.

Are you tired from all your intense research on your quarterback? Don’t fret. I’ll clean the kitchen after I put the children in bed. It is women’s work, after all. I hear you coughing. I will be right there with a drink and some medicine to sooth your aching body. Bless your heart.

I am happy to do all the work in the house, work an 8 hour day while spending my lunch break going grocery shopping, then come home to cook and clean, so you are right that there is no need to feel guilty or thank me for my efforts. After all, you already completed your contribution to maintaining our home for the next 6 months since the grass doesn’t grow in the winter.

You don’t need to stress your immune system by doing something strenuous like putting the groceries away or giving the kids a bath. Come to think of it, that may be why you are so ill right now. You did load the dishwasher last week while I was off gallivanting with the kids at a birthday party.

I will pray for your health to return quickly, dear husband. I cannot imagine the agony you must be feeling as I am physically unable to contract the man cold.

I imagine it is excruciating, as you can only function at best around 10% and I was at 50% the day after having a c-section. Obviously there is no comparison. My immunity to the man cold is yet another reason why I am glad to have been born as one of the weaker sex.

Rest up, dear husband. I have taken care of everything that needed to be tended to. Stay in bed and regain your strength. It’s better for your health if you don’t come out of the bedroom and ask if I need help now that everything is done for the day.

Trust me on this.


About the Author

Gina is a working mom laughing at the absurd to keep herself from crying into a bag of cookies while pounding back coffee. Her writing has been featured on Sammiches & Psych Meds, Scary Mommy, Bon Bon Break, and Mamalode to name a few. You can laugh with or at her on Facebook  or Twitter. Take a look, you’ll like what you see.