By Kathryn Higgins
Our toys not only provide hours of fun and enjoyment for boys and their families; they also provide valuable post-apocalypse survival and etiquette training. We think you’ll agree that this season’s toys are our best ever!
Titanic Canoe: Fits four, with thin bottom for successful shredding when you ram it into a rock.
Apple Grenade: Boys love testing their warrior techniques on their teachers. Pull the stem and it explodes in ten seconds.
Pompeii Volcano: Really works! Put it on a hot stove and watch the bubbling hot “lava” pour out. Also emits sulfurous, ash-laden gasses.
Lord of the Flies Sleepover Kit: Perfect for birthday parties, our kit comes complete with war paint, a live pig, and a long, sharp stake (for the pig’s head). Not provided: fat kid with glasses; transportation for twelve to a desert island with large cliffs.
Explosive Science Experiment: We guarantee that anything you do with this science kit will explode!
Legggos Weapon Blaster: Unlike our competitors with their namby-pamby foam balls and darts, our Blaster shoots any kind of metal debris, such as nails, tacks, and bullets. Boys not only enjoy real weapons training, but they also keep their dads’ hobby benches, bomb shelters, and weapons caches free of any loose junk that could be used as ammo!
Doctor Kit: Contains stethoscope, real scalpel, needle & thread, meat cleaver for amputations, and glass vials and jars for any liquid or solid substances you can collect. Included: real Anatomy Book (also sold separately) illustrated with plenty of graphic photographs.
Gotcha Glasses: A small concealed button on the side of your glasses will cause them to shoot out a poisonous blinding venom. Gotcha!
The Crucifixion Game: Comes with two wooden 4” x 4” beams, one 12’ long, and one 8’ long. Plenty of long sharp nails, a sharp spear, crown of thorns, a loincloth. Great for celebrations, especially communion & confirmation.
Kill Your Doll (or Action Figure) Kit: Complete with blowtorch, hydrochloric acid, and industrial-strength clippers.
Destroy a Dinner Party Kit: Everything a boy needs to ruin a dinner party ― includes itching powder, vomit-inducing solution, disgusting slugs and bugs, toilet-clogging clumps, and a creepy man with his fly open.
Farmer John: Your child will experience real chicken farming! Comes complete with tiny wire cage, ten live chickens, and instruction manual for breaking their necks and plucking their feathers.
Are You a Cannibal Kit: Ever wondered? Find out with this smattering of real human delicacies: eyeballs, blood, thigh flesh, liver, brains, intestines. Great to try on your friends.
Terrorist Kit: We can’t say too much here, but we guarantee you’ll enjoy it!
Pirate Costume: Pirate clothes & boots, pirate hat, real sword, real pistol, sharp hook to be used as hand, eye patch, and parrot. For authenticity, we recommend using our Doctor Kit (sold separately) to remove eye and hand.
Ninja Costume: We admit, it’s just an orange outfit with a bandana, but once you put it on you have the license to hit, kick, and karate chop anyone who gets in your way. After all, you’re a ninja!
End of Days Judge: Impress both the quick and the dead with our magistrate’s robes, gavel and old-timey white wig. Use our Bible (included with purchase) to condemn them all to eternal damnation.
Sugar/Soda Torture Chamber: An inescapable 4’ x 4’ box, a large supply of caffeinated soda, and sugar candy.
Kill & Eat Your Own Food: A rifle, a sharp knife, and some matches to start a fire. Good luck!
So You Want to be an Assassin: Pistol, sniper rifle with telescope, set of three knives, garrote, and a shovel. If you purchase this month we’ll include a DVD of Marlin (“The Frog”) Carmichael describing his infamous assassination techniques for free!
Salem Witch Hunt: Your child will love reenacting the Salem Witch Hunt with these vital components: 3 Bibles, 3 crucifixes, torches, a long sturdy rope, and instructions for tying a hangman’s noose. Not included: hysterical girls, fanatical ministers.
Real Halloween Haunted House: Tired of all those fake, “scary” Halloween houses? Give your friends a jolt with these: a real dismembered hand (electrically wired so it twitches when you plug it in), slimy worms, bowl o’ maggots, sheep’s eyeballs, slaughterhouse blood, corpse (whole corpse or parts determined by availability).
Butcher Your Own Cow: What fun! Comes with a knife set ranging from extremely large and sharp to somewhat smaller but equally sharp. Plus a poster-sized diagram of bovine cuts of beef. (You must provide your own cow.)
Really Dangerous Book for Boys: Instructions on sword fighting, shooting, how to get the upper hand in a knife fight, what to do with a bloody corpse, how to get toxic chemicals through airport security, how to deploy biological weapons, etc.
From our Nostalgia Line of Toys for Boys:
Real BB Gun: Just like grandpa used to shoot squirrels. Your child will love using it on your neighbor’s dog — you know, that one that uses your yard as a toilet.
Jigsaw Puzzle: It may sound boring, but these puzzles are anything but! Choose from depictions of Hell, executions (historical and present-day), Medieval torture, the Kama-Sutra, and evangelical lesson (the last can be used by especially cruel parents as a punishment).
Branding Iron: We’ll send you a real branding iron customized with your own initials. Try it on pets, squirrels, girls, etc.
Chainsaw Massacre: Real chainsaw, instruction manual.
Batman Utility Belt: Extremely sharp Bat Blades, retractable Bat Grappling Hook, Bat Flashlight, Bat Phone, Bat Utility Knife with scissors, and bottle opener.
Real Tattoo Kit: Your child will be the envy of the neighborhood when he gets real ink. Kit comes with needle, ink in four colors, plus four tattoo patterns: skull & crossbones, Mom, heart with dagger, and the Snuggle Bear for younger children.
A version of this post originally appeared on ErrantParent.com
About the Author
Kathryn Higgins is a writer and mom living with her two children in Connecticut. She has a B.A. in English Lit from U.C. Berkeley and an MFA in Writing from Sarah Lawrence College; she teaches Writing at various colleges. Her collection of humor, Snide Remarks in Sotto Voce, is available on ebook outlets. She’s been published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Real Simple Magazine, TheBigJewel.com, Health.com, TheFasterTimes.com, Xtremetravelstories.com, Jalopnik.com (a Gawker publication), ErrantParent.com, Spitefulcritic.com, Sanskrit, TheRumpus.net, Farmhousemagazine.com, The Litchfield Literary Review, The American Organist, Darien.Patch.com, Whatever, Musings, The Connecticut Post and other newspapers. She was a reader for The Paris Review. An article in TheRumpus.net listed her as one of the funniest women writers for McSweeney’s. An article in The New York Times Magazine praised her column for The Faster Times (in the last paragraph).