Local introvert Heidi Wells, having already spent a considerable amout of time quietly checking her phone, is reportedly “so fucking ready” for a playdate for her 3-year-old son to be over.
The invitation for the playdate came after Wells made the mistake of engaging in eye contact with another mom at the park.
“We got here almost an hour ago,” winced Wells. “Since then, Liam has spilled a drink, pushed his friend for no reason, and had a complete meltdown over a banana because it had already been partially peeled.
“All while I’ve been making painful small talk with this other kid’s mom. We’ve already chit-chatted about the weather and how bad traffic has been. There’s not much more to talk about. I’ve escaped to the bathroom twice. I’m running out of options,” said Wells as she glanced around the room, looking for any excuse to leave.
“Honestly, I’d rather be getting a root canal with kitchen utensils while Nickelback plays overhead. At least then I’d be alone. I mean, it was nice of her to invite us over, but it’s tough enough to parent a toddler, let alone with an audience.
“Maybe I’ll just tell her he shit his pants. Or that I did. There will probably be fewer questions that way. You know what? I’d better go full ‘method acting’ right now and crap myself. It’s for the best. Here goes nothing,” said Wells.
After some curious squatting and a few unintelligible grunts, Wells left the event without further comment, other than to ask us to text rather than call, should we need clarification on her story.
As a future precaution, Wells has decided to pretend she can’t speak English in public in order to avoid more playdate invitations.
About the Authors
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.
Joanna McClanahan is an Editor at MockMom. She’s also a Contributor at Sammiches & Psych Meds and has been published on Scary Mommy. You can find more from her on RamblinMama.com, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.