By Katy Clark of Experienced Bad Mom
Dear Teenage Daughter,
Your father and I would like to extend our sincerest apologies for the negative experience you have had sharing a bathroom with your older brother. It was our main goal to provide an exemplary lavatorial experience for members of our family and we realize that your experience has fallen short.
I understand that he hangs his towels haphazardly or leaves them lumped on the floor. I am truly sorry that his personal care items spill over his side of the vanity and that the pungent alpine scent of his body spray makes it feel like you reside in a Mariah Carey Christmas video every minute of every day.
I realize that he never draws the shower curtain closed to dry, which leads to increased mildew growth, and that he balks at cleaning the mildew that formed on it precisely because he never draws the shower curtain closed to dry.
I acknowledge that he neglects to empty the bathroom trash. I understand your frustration over how long he takes in the bathroom and I’m sorry he refuses to use the Poo Pourri spray because he doesn’t like its scent.
Finally, I apologize that he’s just there, in the bathroom at the same time you want to be there, like, always.
To address your inconvenience, we have ordered you a private bathroom, which should be available next fall when your brother leaves for college. Once he has relocated, the towels in your bathroom will be hung neatly, the vanity will be spotless, and the only trash to take out will be your own, by you, as you are the only child left at home to do so.
Moreover, the washroom should smell like your preferred body spray, aka like the Tournament of Roses Parade with bergamot bottom notes.
Please note that next year we will not be responsible for any slippery spots in your private bathroom caused by your tears because your only brother has left for college and you miss him, even if you didn’t want to share a bathroom with him.
We hope you recognize the small benefits to be gleaned from your trying experience. Namely, you have increased your immunity to mess, mildew, and men in general. Your olfactory sense has heightened. You are also better prepared to share a bathroom in the coming years with slovenly college roommates and an ever-present spouse.
We thank you for your patience and truly regret that we were unable to procure a home with copious commodes or produce a sibling of the same gender for your bathroom sharing convenience.
Thanks again for bringing your experience sharing a bathroom with your older brother to our attention, over and over and over. Should you need further assistance with this issue, feel free to speak directly with your father.
I hope that you consider us for your future bathroom needs.
Customer Service Agent Intermediate
The Clark Family
About the Author
Katy M. Clark is a mom of two who lives in Michigan. By day she works in academia. By night she writes about motherhood or the ’80s. Her work has appeared on Grown and Flown, Your Teen for Parents, Scary Mommy, Today’s Parent, and more. She embraces her imperfections as a mom on her blog Experienced Bad Mom. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram.