Relationships are difficult. Living with anyone else is an exercise in patience and acceptance. It takes compromise and understanding to co-habitate. But above all else, relationships should be give and take, and the effort on BOTH sides must be equal.
That being said, it can be hard to live with someone and not notice some of their more infuriating tendencies. Especially the ones that make us feel like we are left holding the bag while they slack off. This is where the bathroom habits of men come in.
Many a mom has been left to hold down the fort while their men fly off to use the washroom, not emerging until much time has passed. What they’re doing in there is an ancient secret of manhood, one that is never explained or communicated to us. Indeed, it seems that men lose the concept of time while they are in there, insisting they haven’t taken very long; meanwhile, many eons have passed in the real world where the rest of us reside.
So although we love our men, what we really want is for them to just spend a normal amount of time in the bathroom. What’s a normal amount of time, you ask? Well, let’s put it this way – it’s probably reasonable to expect them to come out before your baby hits puberty.
1. By my count, he should have pooped out a whole football team by now
2. LITERALLY COULD CHANGE THE WORLD IN THIS AMOUNT OF TIME, MY GOD
3. And if so, why didn’t I think of it first?
4. It’s a vast and lonesome and PEACEFUL experience
5. It’s about 5 years since you went in there, thanks for asking
6. So many adventures in Wonderland while the rest of us out here doing dishes and wiping asses
7. That’s bullshit and we BOTH know it
8. Men don’t understand why we’re bugging them because they genuinely can’t conceptualize time in there
9. Even the kids are out here trying to track down their daddies
10. Spending the majority of your waking hours on the toilet changes you
If you are a toilet widow, at least know that you’re not alone.
And if you’re a man, GETTHEFUCKOFFTHESHITTERANDGOHELPYOURWIFE!