Well, we’re almost there! It’s the end of December and we’ve made it through. Christmas is coming, and soon all the chaos will be over and we can get back to real life and a drawer full of pants that don’t fit anymore. Hallelujah and Merry Yule!
December is for drinking wine and eating cheese. It’s for draining your bank account and being with the ones you love. December can be crazy, sure, but it’s also a time of fun, love, and laughter. The key is to find those precious holiday moments and hold onto them tight. Tight enough to keep you warm during the many moments of fuckery you’re sure to encounter this month. Your children are on a sugar binge and everyone is liquored up, so the struggle will be real and soaked in chardonnay and dysfunction.
In the time of year that’s all about family and making merry, sometimes the only thing that can keep us sane is finding some laughs here and there. The funny parents of Twitter deliver, and for that we bless them.
1. Ooooh, I hope it’s that first thing!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 19, 2019
2. Truly magical and something they’ll never forget
We have now reached the “threatening letters from the elf” portion of “the most wonderful time of the year.”
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 12, 2019
3. ‘Tis the season for obligation!
Might fuck around and pretend like I actually want to attend my kid's Christmas concert tonight.
— Moderately Mom (@moderately_mom) December 12, 2019
4. Marriage is its own base, it’s undeniable
What base is it when you stop giving each other Christmas gifts and instead buy a home appliance and call it “our gift to ourselves”?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 12, 2019
5. “Do you take mallet-hands to have and to hold…”
My husband: Awesome at plumbing, electrical, and other construction stuff all around the house. Can fix just about any issue on a car too.
Same husband: wraps a present like he’s never seen wrapping paper, scissors or tape in his whole life and has mallets for hands.
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) December 20, 2019
6. All that effort making memories, and they only remember the everyday shit
My 4yo and me built a Frozen gingerbread house, painted pictures, played 2 games, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and then watched a movie.
What she tells her teacher we did yesterday:
"I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me."
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) December 3, 2019
7. It’s the true spirit of the season – food and hibernation
8. So, stock up on Double A’s I guess
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but half of the shit your kid is about to get for Christmas will have some tiny print that says, “BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED.”
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) December 19, 2019
9. Should be self-explanatory, yet somehow it’s not
Parenting is mostly just insisting on a bunch of things you didn’t think you should ever have to explain to anyone – like yes, you have to wear shoes outside when it’s snowing
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) December 18, 2019
10. The true magic of Christmas, and her name is MOM
If they made a true story about saving Christmas, it would be about a bunch of moms pulling off everyday magic like moving the elf, remembering where all the gifts are hidden, and signing up to bring in cookies for the elementary school holiday party.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 17, 2019
11. An abundance of riches
If empty Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 19, 2019
12. I mean, don’t we all
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 19, 2019
13. Some food for thought
Saying “See you next year!” on December 31st
– Corny and annoying
– Everybody hates you
– Seriously this joke sucks
Saying “See you next year!” on January 31st
– Are you going on a long adventure?
– You may not understand how years work
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 20, 2019
14. Hahaha, thanks for the thought but I’m good with nothing, thanks
Me: Everything is great!
Life: I have gifts for you!
Me: Yay! [Opens gift] This isn't very good
Me: Ok! [Opens 2nd gift] Well that's even worse
Life: But there's more!
Me: [glaring, opens 3rd gift] This was the worst. You are the worst
Life: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
— Buffaluffagus 🙈 (@MissSassy_Pants) December 20, 2019
15. Less candy and more serotonin please
I need an adult advent calendar where behind every door is a different kind of antidepressant.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 11, 2019
So let’s say goodbye to December!
Thanks for the memories, but we sure won’t miss you. See you next year when we get together and do it all again!