By Mandi Em of Healthy Living For Hot Messes
Seasons Greetings from all of us at The Occupational Safety and Health Administration!
I’m sure you are all getting excited for Christmas, and in the spirit of making merry, we are legally obligated to provide you with some guidelines on preparing your house for a Santa Claus home visit. The health and safety of our employees is of the utmost importance to all of us here at OSHA, and in this vein we must ensure that Mr. Claus is not putting himself at risk while entering your nasty homes during his mission to spread joy this Christmas.
The following is a list of rules and guidelines to comply with when preparing your home for a Santa home visit.
1) Your entryways must be clear of clutter and debris. This includes all chimneys, under all door frames, and beneath all windows. If you happen to have a rug in front of your fireplace, you must either move it temporarily to prevent MSI (musculoskeletal injury) risk, OR you can use OSHA-approved grip tape to ensure the slipping risk is low. If there is so much as a crumb on your floor, have fun with your Christmas morning disappointment.
2) Any cookies left for Santa must be egg-free, nut-free, gluten-free, grain-free, and Kosher. Any carrots left for Rudolf must be certified-organic and locally sourced without the use of fertilizers or pesticides. You may eat like shit, but Santa doesn’t have to.
3) Milk left out for Santa must be organic and kept cool at precisely 40 degrees Fahrenheit to prevent the growth of bacteria. Be aware that a temp gun will be used to check for compliance; so much as a half-degree variance will result in some empty stockings for y’all.
4) Any pets must be secured away from the tree, and all dander must be vacuumed thoroughly. In fact, if you have ever so much as thought of owning a pet, Santa is well within his rights to pass over your house.
5) Make sure your home is smoke-free. If you smoke in your home, you must open all windows and replace your air filters. This includes vaping. We WILL be able to tell if you have vaped in the home in the last 48 hours. Santa simply cannot “ho ho ho” if his lungs are full of poison.
6) Make sure your chimneys and door frames are up to code per accessibility and maintenance guidelines. If not, Santa may opt to skip your home, you derelict trash.
7) Please ensure that everything in the home is unplugged – no WiFi or EMF radiation is to touch Santa. If you have 5G, you might as well just go fuck yourself because you won’t be getting shit for Christmas.
8) Due to the high risk of contracting Lyme disease, or simply getting a pine needle owie, you must not have a Christmas tree. You may have a pole covered in tinsel if it is firmly bolted on the floor and surrounded by hazard signs spaced 18 inches apart. We WILL bring a tape measure.
9) No carols must be playing that talk about the size of Santa’s belly per article 9.2, “Bullying in the workplace.”
10) You must have an OSHA-approved emergency kit for earthquakes, floods, and bomb threats as well as a fire escape plan firmly affixed to the wall. Santa doesn’t want to die in your shithole if there’s an emergency.
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