Well, it’s the period after Christmas where time and logic and healthy eating go to die.
The holidays are something, but one of the most interesting phenomena that comes along with this time of year is the Bermuda-triangle-esque period of black hole, time-bending nonsense that comes immediately after Christmas until the New Year.
This period of time is like if Mercury retrograde decided to squat on your calendar with a wine and cheese hangover. You might not know what day it is or when you last ate a veggie. You might be tired at 11 am, and confusingly awake at 2 am. It really is a lawless land of festive fuckery, and it comes after your pantry, bank account, and patience have been depleted.
And it’s not just you – all of us are going through this post-holiday twilight zone together.
1. First thing – DO NOT worry about them holiday calories. That shit is irrelevant.
2. The time right after Christmas can’t be a letdown for kids if they’re too busy looking forward to the next thing.
3. Immediately after Christmas is a no-man’s-land of leftovers and avoiding the steely, judgmental gaze of your budget.
4. Anything that happens in this twilight is a fuggin’ free-for-all! Set. That. Bar. Lowwwwww.
5. WHEN THE JINGLE BELLS STOP BELLING WE CAN CLEARLY HEAR THE YELLING!
6. CHRISTMAS IS OVER, IT’S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO PISS OFF
7. What day is it? Are we on Earth? What’s happening? What is time?
8. Sorry but I’m not being held accountable for ANY of this shit until time starts back up in the next calendar year. Bless.
9. What did this house ever look like? Have we always had all this space?
10. The period after Christmas is a time of PEAK ANNOYANCE.
11. Mama is DONE, ya feel?
12. Fuck you tree, fuck you too-tight pants, fuck you family!
13. There’s no gracious way to get out of a mess like this.
14. Accurate as fuck.
15. Too real, and too current.
16. These post-Christmas calories belong to Jesus, right?
17. Especially if that ham is tired, hungover, and sick of its relatives.
So here’s a farewell and a fuck you to the holidays!
May we get some peace and regain our bearings, until we do it all again next year!