Pets are awesome because they love us unconditionally, can’t really talk back, and will usually eat whatever slop is on sale at Target. Really the best. Unless they whine to go outside at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. Or take up one entire side of the bed. Or pee on the rug more often than the toddler. Or chew up your brand-new shoes.
But other than that, the BEST. Which is why we are freakishly obsessed with them, sometimes love them more than our own kids, and include them in the holiday card. I mean, the dog doesn’t play Fortnite all day, leave dirty cups all over the house, and ignore my existence until he’s hungry. Just sayin’.
So here are 14 funny tweets about how much we love our pets, even if they make our eyes swell up with allergies, refuse to let us sleep, and shit on other people’s lawns. Nothing but love.
Awww, our kitty is rubbing up against me.
Oh wait, he’s biting me. How sweet.
He’s eating my internal organs. OMG so adorable.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 7, 2018
(When 4yo won’t eat) You’re going to bed hungry!
(When the dog won’t eat) Hey buddy, I’ll sit on the floor and handfeed you until you eat.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) November 24, 2017
My dog is barking at a plate of lasagna so I guess she’s mine.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) October 13, 2017
Husband: Can you get me a glass of water. I don’t want to disturb the cat.
Me: But you’re fine with disturbing me, though.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 23, 2016
I think my toddler and my dog are secretly competing over who can pee on the most things in my house.
— Life📌UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) September 24, 2017
Husband (gasps): “What the- is it your allergies?? Were you petting a cat again?! How many times-“
Me: “I’m FINE.” pic.twitter.com/CMngM1x7eL
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 20, 2018
Burglar: [smashes window] Burglar: [comes into house] Burglar: [steals electronics] Burglar: [steals furniture] Burglar: [steals jewelry] Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms] Burglar: [opens package of cheese]
My dog [coming out of my bedroom]: hey, what you got there?
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 25, 2018
KIDS: “Who’s your favourite?”
ME: “The dog.”
— Modern Day Hippie (@SamHippie) February 17, 2019
A lot of people said I wouldn’t care about my dog after I had kids, but many times after spending a full day with my 1- and 3-year-old, I wind up holding my Boston Terrier and saying, ‘You’re the best one, Judy. You’re the best one’ over and over and over. pic.twitter.com/4WZxag8aXq
— Jared Bilski (@JaredBilski) February 19, 2019
*6am Cat yowling at door*
We both pretend to be asleep.
H: *flings off covers to let cat out*
M: *fake snores in victory*
— Mama Needs a Nap by Lauri Walker (@MamaNeedsa_Nap) July 14, 2017
I don’t always run into acquaintances on the street, but when I do, I am one hundred percent holding a bag of dog shite.
— Mother Haggard (@MotherHaggard) November 8, 2018
I’m the sort of person who signs her pets’ names on cards so they don’t feel left out.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 29, 2018
It’s my dog’s birthday AND OMG LOOK AT THIS PICTURE pic.twitter.com/GCBS4lIJY7
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) January 30, 2019
They say owners resemble their dogs but my dog is spastic, socially awkward, and ultimately just wants to be loved so I have to agree completely.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) September 24, 2018
In the end, our pets save us on our worst days. You know after your boss yells at you and your shitty coworker Dan drops the ball and you have a headache and your kid forgot to tell you he has a giant school project due in like 15 hours, your dog will be happy to see you, shower you with slobbery kisses, and make it all better. Even though he’s another mouth to feed and you may have lto follow him with a plastic bag around the neighborhood, you know you’d rather deal with his shit than asshole Dan’s bullshit at work, right?
Thanks, pets, for your unconditional love. Right back atcha.