Before even attempting to conceive, all couples should first become fully certified Montessori instructors. Full certification is really the only option if you don’t want to ruin your child’s entire life, and it costs about $6,000.

Second of all, go to IKEA. The only way to raise your child is to set up his room with cube shelving. That is where you will be placing his work. No toys, just work. Montessori is really serious and prepares your child for the working world starting at birth.

You don’t need a crib or bassinet because Montessori babies know intuitively when and where they should be sleeping. If that’s your kitchen floor, you know that’s the right bed for your baby.

After your baby can roll over, stop nursing. Instead, pump your breastmilk and serve it in a champagne flute from then on. When he can sit, begin teaching him to debone salmon and bake it in the oven. Have him repeat this activity on a daily basis until he decides to try some. That means he’s ready for solids.

You should not leave your house until your baby can walk. He needs to do it himself. Any sort of device is harmful to his development so just stay in one place until he crawls, and don’t leave the house until he can walk. Once he knows how to walk he’s capable of walking for 6-10 hours without stopping or being held.

After he can walk, bring him along grocery shopping and let him put whatever he finds into the cart. Don’t put anything there yourself; this is about following the child. Figure out a way to combine his choices into a delicious meal.

Serve it to him on fine China, and if any of it breaks, you’re really to blame for your parental laziness. Even so, ensure that he sweeps up the broken shards independently.

Montessori babies do not need diapers. Just let them feel the wetness and/or squishiness of their own waste and soon they’ll potty train themselves. On that note, be sure to install a mini toilet into your plumbing system so it actually flushes; otherwise, the child will never understand what it is.

While you’re at it, have a tiny sink installed in your kitchen plumbing, where your baby should wash his own dishes, beginning at 4 months old. It really needs to be installed into your plumbing system unless, of course, you are a lazy parent who doesn’t love her children.

Montessori is all about following the child’s natural development, so don’t push. Just make sure that by age one, they know all their colors, shapes (two and three-dimensional), multiplication tables, square roots, and have a deep understanding of optics and black holes.

They should also be proficient in cracking eggs, milking cows, using a machete to cut their way through the Amazon rainforest, and sledgehammering. Parents, there’s a right and wrong way to raise your child.

Don’t risk the humiliation of failure. Raise your child the Montessori way.

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