It's super important to bond with the tiny human you created, even though they don't seem to care. Here are some ideas that are in no way helpful.
Humor Parenting SPM/MM

How to Bond with Your Tiny Human (Even Though They Really Don’t Care)

It's super important to bond with the tiny human you created, even though they don't seem to care. Here are some ideas that are in no way helpful.

By Kelsey Cadger 

Let’s just get this out in the open here: newborns are pretty boring. There, I said it. They don’t seem to do a lot of anything beyond a constant cycle of eating, sleeping, pooping, and crying. Not only do they not move around much or have basic conversational skills, but they can barely keep their eyes open, and let’s not even get started on their inability to even hold their own heads up. So what are we supposed to do all day when we’re expected to keep this tiny human alive, who barely even knows that their hands and feet belong to them?

Don’t worry, I’ve got you. Here’s a list of activities that you and your little barnacle can do together.

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Watch an entire season of Grey’s Anatomy while cluster feeding and holding her while she sleeps. If anyone asks you to do something, just say that you’re “stuck under a sleeping baby and can’t move.” When your partner gets home and asks how your day was, break down and sob over George O’Malley’s death, which, by the way, we’re still not over.

Teach your baby how to be a master of the kitchen while you mix together a homemade, organic, all-natural, gluten-free nipple butter so your precious little bundle of joy isn’t ingesting any chemicals while she tears your nipples to shreds.

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Hit the grocery store with the level of preparation of a bomb disposal expert. You’re on borrowed time here. Frantically throw items in your cart with one hand while holding the soother in her mouth with the other, racing against time. Shield her from all the unwanted touching from strangers and accept their need to congratulate you for some reason.

Reluctantly agree to let a family member hold him while you catch some much-needed rest. Lay in bed for about twelve seconds before running downstairs, retrieving your baby and insisting that he just needs to be fed/changed/held differently.

Change her poopy diaper. Wait approximately four minutes before another inevitable blow-out and change her again while throwing the poop-stained onesie into an overflowing laundry basket. Wait another few minutes before she starts pooping again. Repeat two hours later.

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Spend 45 minutes rocking, bouncing, and shushing him so you can put him down for a nap and take the first shower you’ve had in days. When you finally get him down and have a minute to yourself, stare at the baby monitor screen, unblinking, for the next 35 minutes until he wakes up. 

Sleep when she sleeps. Fold poop-stained laundry when she folds poop-stained laundry.

Get out all the adorable baby outfits that you’ve been washing, folding, and putting away for months leading up to his arrival. Pick out the sweetest, softest matching set you’ve ever seen. Lose 5 years of your life and somehow end up on the floor in a sweaty mess. Swear off baby pants forever (WHO PUTS PANTS ON A BABY?) and succumb to the next 6 months of pajama life. 

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Collapse into the recliner in his nursery at the end of the day, feeling a level of exhaustion you never knew possible. Stare at your baby sleeping peacefully and feel the indescribable, overwhelming, heartbreaking feelings of time slipping through your fingers. Soak up the boring, as it certainly won’t last forever.

Believe me. Because while newborns might be boring, at least they aren’t melting down hysterically in the middle of a Walmart because they want their feet off (Not their shoes. Not their socks. Their. God. Damn. Feet). Enjoy this stage because next comes toddlerhood.


About the Author

Kelsey lives on beautiful Salt Spring Island in British Columbia, Canada. She is a French Immersion teacher turned full-time Mom to two tiny humans. She spends her free time freelance writing and loves exploring the outdoors with her wonderful husband and incredible children.