Humor Parenting

Bedtime: A Drinking Game

By Katie Wadland of EatSleepMomRepeat

Bedtime. That pesky seven letter word that stands between you and your wine after twelve hours of tending to everyone’s needs before your own. Bedtime. Because the last thing you feel like doing after a long day at work is begging your kids to go to sleep. Bedtime. It’s the heartbreak hill of your marathon day. It’s the number one time even the most level headed of parents is likely to lose their shit. It’s the time you have to somehow keep your cool while convincing your little booger-mongers that it’s a GREAT idea to do everything they hate – be quiet, be by themselves, be in the dark, and be asleep.

But have no fear! I’ve come up with a way to make bedtime fun. It’s called Bedtime: A Drinking Game. So fill’er up, throw that bad boy into a sippy and label it “Mommy,” because bedtime’s about to get a lot more fun.

You can play solo, play against your spouse or phone a friend and race ’em to the end. And the best part is, even if bedtime is a pain in the ass, you’ll probably be too drunk to notice.

(Disclaimer: I do not suggest getting so drunk that you cannot take care of your children. I’m a writer, not an idiot. Parent responsibly. This public service announcement is brought to you by EatSleepMomRepeat.)

Here’s how it goes down:

Goal: To Get your little munchkin-butts to go the F the sleep. Or to get yourself drunk. Whichever one comes first. 

Set up: Kids should be running around the house like crazy people, dishes still strewn about from dinner. Get your timers ready. Make your “Alright, kids, it’s bedtime” proclamation and start the clock.

Rules: Each time the following occurs, take a drink.

~ If you have to change a child’s pajamas more than once, take a drink. If your child insists on wearing something other than pajamas, drink two.

~ If your child insists on taking any object to bed other than themselves, one animal, and a blankie, drink as many as they take. If this object is particularly odd, like a fake plastic chicken wing (true story), drink two.

~ If you manage to successfully brush a toddler’s teeth, you get to drink. Because you are awesome. That’s no easy task. Go you.

~ If you have to look for a special toy before they’ll calm the F down, take a drink. If this requires leaving your home, i.e. rummaging through the car in search of a missing baby doll, take two. If it’s freezing cold, pouring rain or ungodly hot, take three. A parent’s love knows no bounds. And neither does their desire to get the kids to go to sleep.

~ If you get suckered into an extra book, drink, weakling! Stand up to these monsters!

~ If you give in and actually look for the monster under the bed or in the closet, drink. If you find one, maybe it’s time to stop playing this game…

~ If your significant other sneaks off to “use the bathroom” for anything longer than a pee, drink, then drink again…for his sake.

~ If you have to physically retrieve another human and place them into their room, drink. If you have to do this twice, yup, you guessed it. Drink again.

~ If you find yourself nodding off before they do or wake up in the wall crack of a twin size bed, better take a sip…

~ While you’re at it, if you have to change a diaper or take a kid on a potty run after lights are already out, drink agaaaaiiin.

~ If, God forbid, you’re in the middle of a “cry it out” phase (So sorry. It sucks. Been there. Done that.), sip leisurely until the din dies down. It will—stay strong, mama!

~ Lastly, if you find this game lasting more than a half hour, just go ahead and drink till it’s over!

And if you’re still standing at the end of it, either your kids are waaaay better behaved than mine...or I think you got the wrong sippy cup…


About the Author

Katie Wadland is a Massachusetts-based mama raising her girls with her husband out in suburbia. She sometimes wakes up and wonders how the hell she got here. She’s a part-time Physical Therapist, part-time Blogger and full-time Beta Mom Extraordinaire. She has been published at Scary Mommy, Kveller, Mamapedia and BluntMoms. Her Beta Mom Guides and other ramblings can be found at EatSleepMomRepeat, and you can follow her on Facebook, Instagram or at Twitter.