Why is it when starting a new relationship, each party feels the need to be an asswipe? Men and women think they have to act like emotionless robots. We are afraid of letting our hearts get involved. We block out our emotions so we can play the dating scene and feel like we aren’t truly getting involved with someone new.

I have the magical ability to tell my brain to fuck off and let my heart take the lead in my relationships. My dumb ass thinks if a guy treats me right, he is worthy of earning a spot in my oversized blood pumper. I jump feet first into relationships without a second glance. I allow myself to repeatedly get hurt. I always go for the guys who are emotionally unavailable and think for some reason they will open up for me.

I wonder how the average Joe or Janette does it. How do they shut their hearts off and just have fun? Am I a hopeless romantic, doomed to have bloodshed and heartache every time I meet someone new? I don’t have a shut-off valve when it comes to the yucky love stuff. I sometimes get this sixth sense about how people are feeling and if they like me, I tend to do a cannonball in the feelings pool and open my heart up wide to them.

My current boyfriend has been my friend on the upside of ten years, and once I let myself think there was a possibility of our friendship entering relationship status, I started daydreaming about the next decade with him at my side. They say you have to be friends before you can become lovers. “Briggs” and I have been really good friends, and yet the love part of our relationship scares the living daylights out of him. Actually, it scares the daylights out of me, too. What if we are the best of friends but the worst of lovers?

Maybe we are afraid of losing the friendship we once had if the relationship doesn’t work out. I know this to be part of my problem. Why does it scare me so much when I know how amazing Briggs is as a person? He’s not going to just throw me out on my ass if things don’t work out. I wouldn’t throw him out either, but alas, here I am in full robot mode.

Briggs and I have been seriously burned in past relationships, and it keeps us on the defense. In the backs of our minds, we are prepared for an exit strategy even though we have barely entered. We don’t do it to hurt one another, but we are prepared for the end in all instances.

All of a sudden I’m afraid to talk to him like I used to. I throw up these walls and pretend to be a dainty flower. I try to catch myself and still be me, but the fact remains, I act more like a girlfriend than I did before.

Before the titles came into play, I could talk to him about everything, not sparing my feelings and just letting my friend in. Now, I’m afraid something I say will hurt his feelings and give him more of a reason to look for the exit sign. I may also be afraid of letting him into my heart as a boyfriend and allowing him to hurt me like the men in my past have.

Our conversations have turned into tiptoeing around becoming emotionally involved. Each of us scared to accept the other into our once solitary life. We can’t wrap our minds around having a partner who WANTS to build a future together. We are so used to doing things on our own, we have clammed up. These almost connected robots have taken over our previously caring personalities. Does fear always change people?

My eleven-year-old son is where the fear seems to stop. Briggs has always been wonderful with children, D-dude included. My son has a way of chipping at any icy heart. Briggs can openly admit to missing D-dude and in the same sentence pretend to be made of stone in regards to missing me. I pull the same shit with Briggs. I can’t tell him openly how much I truly do miss him while he is working. I can fire crude jokes at him and he can fire right back, keeping things light and fun. Is our relationship doomed to fail because we are too afraid to let the other in?

Some days I’d like to go back to being friends so the awkwardness of bringing feelings into our once amazing world would go away. The more I think about it, though, the harder I want to fight. I’ve had a crush on Briggs for as long as I’ve known him, and I think we deserve a chance. If we’re constantly looking for a way out, how can we ever work? How can we move forward if we are afraid of giving our last chance to the wrong person?

Briggs and I are so used to doing things one hundred percent on our own that when the other offers to help, we act like bucking horses and pull this armor around us. We need each other for things but are too proud to show it. We have the same ideas for relationships and our futures and yet letting the other into our future plans feels like eating crow. We both said we’d never allow someone from the opposite sex to mean that much to us, yet we mean that much to each other but can’t openly admit it.

Relationships are hard. Relationships where each party is terrified are even harder. Briggs and I are going to give each other a chance because there is a connection there, but we are still terrified of giving our hearts to someone again. Fingers crossed we can stop being asswipes and kick the robots to the curb.