If you though once Christmas was over you’d be past the chore of interacting with others and dealing with unrealistic expectations, then boy are you wrong! Did you forget about New Year’s? The holiday where we weep about the shit we didn’t accomplish the year before and set lofty ambitions for the upcoming year to hang above our necks?
New Year’s is fun and all, but man is it a whole lot of bullshit. Reflection? Ew. Goal setting? Come on. Staying up late. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
Once you have kids, New Year’s becomes painfully just like any other day where you struggle to stay up late and socialize with people. When you’re young, it’s fun for the sparkles, the party atmosphere, and the fresh new beginnings. Hard to find those things when you’re knee-deep in laundry and dead intentions.
That being said, this year is the turn of a whole decade. And surely you have something to show for the last 10 years, right? Hello?
I have eye bags and a deep thirst for alone time.
1. I feel like this is somehow a setup for failure
Write down my New Years resolutions? Um… I can’t even stick to a grocery list.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 29, 2017
2. Seasons change, and adulthood is the wildest season of them all
I just cleaned my washer so I can start the new year without this year’s soap grime and somewhere 16yo me is weeping.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) December 28, 2017
3. I’m not sure if there’s really any other way to begin
Everyone's New Year's resolution to "Eat healthier" always starts with them eating the rest of the crap in the house so it's not around.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 16, 2019
4. And believe me, they have A LOT that needs fixing
Trying to come up with a New Year's resolution, but so far I can only think of things my kids need to work on.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) December 29, 2015
5. Men don’t seem to understand that sometimes you need to string up the titties for a special occasion
“Who cares what you wear. It’s a neighborhood New Year’s Eve party. These are the same people that see you running the trash out in PJs and titties swinging.” – My husband’s NYE fashion advice.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) December 30, 2017
6. Gosh, the options are endless
Yeah, I don't know what I'll do for New Year's Eve yet.
I'm deciding between dozing on the couch in PJs or in spit-up stained clothes.
— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) December 31, 2015
7. Maybe the goal is really to end up as a missing person?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Sure, I’d love eggs.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 1, 2019
8. Not to brag but I like to keep things very consistent
new years is close so i just want u to know i didn’t accomplish shit this year so don’t even try to ask
— jen merritt!!! (@jennifermerr) December 16, 2019
9. *pots and pans clinking wildly* OH IS IT NEW YEAR’S I HADN’T NOTICED
New Year's Eve is a special occasion when parents get to stay up late with little noisemakers all over the place.
Also known as just another day.
— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) December 28, 2017
10. FINALLY an attainable goal
my new years resolution is to become entirely unhinged from reality and it’s going great
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) January 9, 2019
What are your feelings on New Year’s? Fun and joyous occasion, or overblown annual let-down?
Whatever your stance, have a safe and happy New Year! Here’s to another year of unpredictable fuckery!