child climbing up slide

Mom Reaches Count of Three, Has No Idea What to Do Next


ST. LOUIS– In a move that captured the attention of the entire playground, local mom Stephanie Lancaster reached the count of three.

“He’s usually so good, but we skipped his nap today,” Lancaster tearfully justified of her son who wouldn’t allow other kids down the slide without knowing the password. “Once I reached two, he just sort of looked at me with this ‘what are you gonna do about it’ stare and I thought, ‘I have no idea.’ I really didn’t. I tried two-and-a-half, and even two-and-three-quarters, and said a prayer. But nothing.”

Fellow park-goers recalled the tension during the standoff. “I was sorta curious about the protocol myself,” said Cara Pitcher, mother of two. “Thank God my kids always behave–I’ll never have to get to three,” she added, taking a long pull from her opaque thermos filled with Chardonnay.

Neighborhood parks, which used to be known for their carefree fun, recently have come under fire for serving as breeding grounds for competitive displays of parenting skills.

“I mean… I had to do something. Everyone was watching.” Lancaster continued, “I didn’t want to end up getting massacred on social media. It’s not like I was on my iPhone or anything,” she quickly clarified. Then, lowering her voice and glancing from side to side, added, “God knows the sanctimommies are everywhere.”

Setting a public precedent, Mrs. Lancaster recalled the last parenting book she read five years ago and decided on a punishment of making good on her previous threats to leave the park and go home. This, despite her unfinished latte and first adult conversation in over 36 hours.

Onlookers basked in the glow of their perfect children and avoided eye contact as she pried the hands of her screaming child from the ladder and fled.


About the Author

Hannah Mayer is a nationally award-winning blogger, humor columnist and exponentially blessed wife and mother of three. She would trade everything for twelve uninterrupted hours in a room with Jon Hamm and two Ambien. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter or at her blog, sKIDmarks.