By MockMom Contributors
The Daily Wire, founded by Ben Shapiro and Jeremy Boreing (yes, that’s his real name), has announced that it will spend $100 million to launch its own kids’ network to rival “woke” Disney (also real).
“We’re going to start making kids content over here at Daily Wire specifically. So you don’t have to be catered to by companies who hate your guts and cater to the people who despise your values,” Shapiro said (also sadly real).
“America has been wanting alternatives and we’re going to give it to them,” he continued, threateningly.
Here at MockMom, we’ve obtained details from an anonymous source, including a never-before-seen lineup of the kids’ shows to air on Shapiro’s new network, reportedly called CCN (Cuck-free Children’s Network):
Dora the Conspiracy Explorer: Follow the adventures of Dora and friends as they help teach kids about QAnon and Deep State. With games like “Can YOU spot the member of Antifa?” and without the Spanish, it’s the perfect conservative alternative. And don’t miss the popular spinoff Go Diego Go (Back Where You Came From).
Fraggle Reich: The Fraggles adopt a totalitarian regime under their new talking trash heap, Ben Shapiro.
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? ICE Wants to Know: We don’t mind if Ms. Sandiego wants to immigrate, we just want her to do it legally.
SpongeRobert KhakiPants: A now mid-30s square SpongeRobert has moved back into his parents’ pineapple’s basement and is a Libertarian who can’t wait to mansplain Feminism to you.
PJ Masks are for Sheep: The same premise as the original show you know and love, except the heroes are openly mocked for being pro-vaccine.
Murdoch McStuffins: A little old white man who teaches stuffed animals about the dangers of socialized medicine.
Daniel Tiger’s Gated Neighborhood: Every day Daniel Tiger helps inspire kids to play, sing, dance, and support a flat tax rate.
Clifford the Big Red MAGA Hat: Emily Elizabeth never thought her small “Make America Great Again” hat would grow into a giant Trump emblem that could let her assholery be seen from space. Follow their adventures in the liberal cesspool that is New York City.
Bob the Builder of Liberal Pizza Parlor Child Sex Traffic Rings: Bob and his friends live in an imaginary world filled with AM radio.
PAW Patrol: FULLY LOADED: Adventure Bay just got a lot more interesting. Watch as the characters you love embrace the Second Amendment with their new semi-automatic weapons. “Chase is on the case! And has a military-grade tank!”
Not-In-My Backyardigans: These animal pals get together for adventures and plenty of racist fear-mongering.
My Little Ponies (Are for Girls, Horses Ae for Boys): A show that encourages gender-defining roles based on the genitalia kids are born with.
Mickey Mouse CountryClubhouse: Teaching kids early about shapes, math, patterns, and colors ⏤ specifically, which color neighbors are preferred in this golf-course community.
Fairly Heterosexual Parents: Odd? Not in the midwest. The only magic we believe in here is called “GOD.”
Gravity Falls…Or Is It Just Another Liberal Conspiracy Like Climate Change?: In this mysterious town, they say things like, “It’s pretty cold out. So much for global warming.”
Finally, old white hetero cis men will be in a position of power.
(In case it’s not clear, this is satire, so please don’t @ us.)
A special thanks to the following MM Contributors: Crystal Lowery, Anna Gracia, Amy Hunter, and Joanna McClanahan