My coworkers are much too young to understand any of my references from growing up in the 1980s. So naturally, I now have no choice but to walk into the ocean to embrace my fate as an old sea hag.

It all started with a zoom call when I said someone’s hair reminded me of Flock of Seagulls. My fetus of a coworker replied, “Who is that?” They googled it in real-time and added flatly, “Oh yeah. That’s funny.”

And just like that, two more what-the-fuck lines appeared on my forehead.

Another time I was referencing the movie Labyrinth to another embryo coworker of mine who nodded along.

“You’ve never seen Labyrinth, have you?” I asked. They nodded no and asked, “Is that the one with David Bowie?” Sweet summer child, David Bowie in Labyrinth was not just a character but a sexual awakening. His tights alone are legend. Show some respect.

Then there was the fateful day when not a single one of the toddlers I work with knew what a Fraggle was. IS NOTHING SACRED?

And this is why I must now retire to my demise by walking into the sea. Because I cannot live another day having to explain an entire decade of references to the people I work with.

Is there a more reasonable solution to this? Probably. But returning to the sea, like the timeless Godzilla-like creature I clearly am, feels like the right thing to do. (And hopefully they’ll understand that Godzilla reference since they recently came out with those new versions with that Eleven girl.)

*****

About the Author

Joanna McClanahan loves her kids, cats, satire… and hates pretty much everything else. You can find more from her Ramblin Mama account on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and [begrudgingly] on TikTok. For her real job, she works as a Branded Content Editor for Scary Mommy.