We are living in unprecedented times. There’s no question that Covid-19 has taken a toll on our mental, physical, and emotional health. The virus has shut down businesses, overtaxed healthcare workers, put a financial strain on small business owners, forced parents into the hell known as e-learning, and killed over 2.4 million people worldwide.
Let’s face it: Covid-19 is absolutely terrifying.
On the other hand, so are needles, and—perhaps even more so—the thought of having to put on real pants to venture out into public in order to get vaccinated against the deadly virus.
And although most of the general public is not yet eligible to receive the Covid-19 vaccine, that hasn’t stopped Facebookers, Youtubers, and glue sniffers from chiming in on both its safety and efficacy. It’s only a matter of time before the vaccine is available to anyone wishing to receive it, and we believe it’s important for people to have all the facts. This way, individuals can make an informed, intelligent decision as to whether or not they want to be selfish twats receive the vaccine once they’re eligible.
If you’re still on the fence and can’t decide whether you should trust science or random social media users, we’d like to offer you a third, alternative perspective.
By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Butch Buckley, a self-proclaimed “not-a-sheep,” says that the Covid-19 vaccine is “bullshit and I’m not some bullshit science experiment, and I already injected myself with bleach so I’m fine.” Our reporters caught up with Buckley in his home, where they found him sitting on the john, snorting WD-40 and flipping through the latest issue of Guns & Ammo.
Buckley told us he’s recently spent a lot of time on the toilet, sniffing various cleaners and perusing his friends’ social media accounts. In doing so, he’s become aware of “a shit-ton of side-effects” caused by the vaccine that he says doctors are “keeping hushed up.” Read on to learn what this modern-day, deuce-dropping detective had to say about the Covid-19 vaccine and the risks associated with it:
1. Paper cuts: “My high school wrestling buddy got the vaccine and then got a paper cut when the nurse handed him his vaccination card. Ten bucks says that little motherfucker gets infected and kills him. That guy always was a pansy-ass loser.”
2. Suicidal Ideations: “My sister got vaccinated, and now her mother-in-law always wants to hang out since it’s ‘safe.’ She won’t stop bitching about it. I never seen her so depressed.”
3. Weight Gain: “A couple of guys I know stopped at McDonald’s after their shots because it was on their way home. Buncha fatties.”
4. Vision Loss: “Yeah, I know tons of people who went to sleep the night after they got vaccinated. Bet they couldn’t see a damn thing.”
5. Irritability: “Look, my buddy’s wife got the thing, even though he warned her not to. He said she came home and snapped at him when he asked her to fetch him a beer, and then bitched about the dirty socks he left on the counter by a stack of unwashed dishes. Called him a ‘filthy slob’ or something like that. He shouldn’t have to put up with that shit.”
6. Loss of Sex Drive: “I’ve been sitting here, DMing all these hotties on Instagram, and none of them wanna come over for a quick blowjob or handie. I did a little digging, and it turns out a lot of them hoes got vaccinated.”
7. Death: “Look, I’m a smart guy. I finally just asked my doctor about it. He’s a medical professional. And he flat out told me that I ‘of course, without a doubt’ will die at some point after being vaccinated. There’s your fucking science, people.”
Buckley says anyone wanting to learn more can friend him on Facebook or check out his Instagram, @BBuck6969, “especially if they have big titties.”
“I’m just doing my part to keep people safe,” he said.
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About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and four lazy cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and peanut butter (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.