Hello! And welcome to this episode of “Pandemic Impossible.”
Today (and every day), your task is to somehow homeschool your kids during a MF’n pandemic, even though you’re NOT a teacher, you have TONS of other shit to do, and your kids don’t listen to a fucking word you say even in the best of times. May the odds be ever in your favor!
This pandemic has brought us so many changes and challenges. Just when we think we’ve gotten through one obstacle, another crops up and gives us a nut-punch right to the spirit. From social distancing to economic woes, there has been an absolute gamut of anxiety-inducing fuckery aimed directly at our mental health while we try and accomplish the already difficult task of, ya know, TRYING NOT TO LOSE OUR SHIT DURING A GLOBAL PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS.
Anyway, not the least of these worries is the fact that our kids’ education has fallen in a big heavy heap on top of the “balls you can’t really drop” responsibilities pile. This is on top of whatever else you have going on, which may include working. “But isn’t that impossible?” you might ask. After all, how can you work AND homeschool at the same time? Well, the answer is that it is, indeed, impossible. One might even say… stressful!
*Cue weeping*
Ah well, despite the obvious struggles with homeschooling when you are outnumbered and underqualified, this is the hand we’ve been dealt and we’re better off laughing than crying.
18 Tweets That Show We’re NOT Prepared to Homeschool
1. Me neither, kid.
“I don’t want to play school at home anymore.” – 3-year-old, who is about to be very disappointed.
— Becca Carnahan (@with_love_becca) March 18, 2020
2. Multitasking FTW.
https://twitter.com/VisionBored1/status/1248262156237373443
3. Every day, it’s finished a bit quicker.
[Homeschooling day 11]
Science class now consists solely of time trials and hypothesis about how long it will take me to finish a bottle of wine each day
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 6, 2020
4. This is fine.
Day 3 of homeschooling:
I received an anonymous tip about bullying that I wrote myself.
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) March 18, 2020
5. Wish we could mute them IRL.
My 1st grader is doing a zoom chat with his class. They’re all barking. His teacher just muted everyone. This is our life now, folks.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) April 3, 2020
6. Quarantine has changed us.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 19, 2020
7. Let’s be real, it ALL sucks.
As much as I complain about teaching my kid science and math apparently I will also complain about teaching him English and history as well.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) March 24, 2020
8. Seems like a legit and respectable career.
Day 1 of coronavirus quarantine homeschooling:
“I got this,” as I lay out detailed chart with each hour planned with separate classroom subjects and printable worksheets.Day 2 of coronavirus quarantine homeschooling:
“Fuck it, the kids can just be YouTubers.”— Andrea Remke, writer (@andrealremke) March 17, 2020
9. THIS IS THE WORST.
Boss [messaging]: Hey, what are you working on?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my Freshman with geometry]: THE GODDAMN PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 6, 2020
10. Next we fart in different octaves.
My kids are currently burping the alphabet so language arts class is sorted #momlife #ohshitwerehomeschooling https://t.co/spY2z9cvzz
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) March 27, 2020
11. Well well well, if it isn’t you again- fourth grade math.
Hey parents, remember when you were in school and told your teachers you would never use math as an adult? Well, if you listen REALLY closely you can hear those teachers laughing maniacally right about now.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) March 30, 2020
12. Teacher life now is just mom life with a splash of booze.
Never would I have thought my kids could say their ‘teacher’ is in her jammies at 9 am with Baileys in her coffee… yet here we are.
— Andrea Remke, writer (@andrealremke) March 16, 2020
13. NO ONE WAS FOLLOWING THEM ANYWAYS BRENDA.
Well the good news is that all those insufferably chipper homeschooling moms have stopped posting their daily schedules.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 6, 2020
14. Everyone with eyes and ears can see how out of our depth we are.
My husband is working from home today and the stress of “distance learning” with two kids must be palpable because he just emerged from his cozy little makeshift office to tell me he’d handle dinner tonight. And honestly, I’m pretty sure that counts as foreplay.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) March 31, 2020
15. Whew, that was on the curriculum anyways.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if your kids are on YouTube watching Christmas commercials in German you can totally count it as learning a new language
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 9, 2020
16. We are NOT ok.
https://twitter.com/VisionBored1/status/1247564351281737733
17. Yep, definitely smell a fire.
Ok Karen I see your perfectly set up home school stations. With kids quietly doing their schoolwork.
But in this house we cry, pace, procrastinate, and wait do I smell something on fire?
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) April 7, 2020
18. At least we weren’t alone in thinking they were just awful.
Homeschooling is going to teach us all that our kids are dickheads at school too
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) March 16, 2020
Best of luck on the homeschool front!
Sure you have no clue what you’re doing and you’re always on the edge- but isn’t that the case with all aspects of your life? This whole homeschooling thing is actually quite on brand if you think about it!