Withhold affection from your child, then one day begin to say the words, “I love you,” but never let the word “love” fall from your lips.
MockMom

Forget Helicopter Parenting: 12 New Machine-Based Parenting Styles

By Nat Hrvatin

1. Drone parenting
Stealthily peer through your child’s window to monitor their actions.

2. Garage door opener parenting
Open arguments that only close once your child has agreed with you.

3. Tape recorder parenting
Replay your child’s most embarrassing memories in front of their friends.

4. Electric saw parenting
Hack off your child’s peer communication so that you are their only friend.

5. Ironing machine parenting
Iron out the wrinkles in your child’s personality by telling them what to think, what to say, and
how to act.

6. Space heater parenting
Blow hot air into your child’s face every time they make a mistake. Increase the heat as the
stupidity of their actions increases.

7. Hoverboard parenting
Stand above your child and explode for absolutely no reason.

8. Power washer parenting
At a close distance, spray your child with extreme pressure to succeed so they can become
drenched in motivation.

9. Zamboni parenting
Erase every imperfection your child has, so they become a clean, smooth rink for you to skate
upon.

10. Blender Parenting
Crush your child’s self-esteem by adding a variety of insults, which after three to five minutes
should create an insecurity puree.

11. Vending machine parenting

Withhold affection from your child, then one day begin to say the words, “I love you,” but never
let the word “love” fall from your lips.

12. Electric sander parenting
Scrub their name from every trophy your child earns, as a reminder that they can do better next
time.

*****

About the Author

Nat Hrvatin is a writer, performer, and educator from Cleveland, Ohio. Her work has appeared in Slackjaw, The Belladonna, Greener Pastures, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, and The Broadway Beat. Website: nathrvatin.com Twitter, Instagram, and Medium: @NatHrvatin