Who has time to work all day, clean up after kids, do the housework, rock in the corner and cry, make some impromptu Amazon purchases in the false hope that they’ll somehow restore purpose to your life, consider faking your own death and flying to Fiji, and then cook dinner on top of it all?

Not you, bish.

That’s why you need some of those quick and easy dinner recipes the food bloggers are always raving about. And we’ve got some of the BEST.

These fast and fierce meals are sure to please the whole … wait, some … nope, ok, none? Right. None of your family. Bless it.

Wienerwurst with Steamed Legumes

This one’s a breeze! All you need is a microwave, some paper plates, and immense existential dread.

Ingredients:

• 1 package store-brand frankfurters
• 8 oz bag steamable frozen peas

Directions:

Step 1 – Slice open the package of hot dogs with a dull knife, making sure to nearly take your entire fingertip off in the process.

Step 2 – Plop the ground lips and assholes encased in carcinogenic something-or-other on a paper plate and shove in the microwave alongside the bag of steamable frozen peas.

Step 3 – Take 6 shots of Tito’s.

Step 4 – When microwave dings, remove “food,” place in center of countertop with paper plates and plasticware, and shout, “Food’s ready! Come and get it! Or don’t! I don’t even care anymore! I might die and go to Fiji!”

Lightly Breaded Chicken Tender with That White Stuff That Might Be Expired

Who can resist the allure of golden, lightly breaded chicken accompanied by a tangy sauce for dipping? Not your family, but it doesn’t matter because that’s not at all what they’re getting.

Ingredients:

• Your soggy leftover chicken tender from when you Door-Dashed it for lunch 3 days ago
• Whatever’s remaining in that jar of white stuff that’s missing a label

Directions:

Step 1 – Remove the chicken tender (yes, just the one) from the plastic takeout box.

Step 2 – Cut it into enough equal parts to feed your feral offspring, paying special attention to giving the one who screams the least the piece with your teeth marks all over it.

Step 3 – Using the serving spoon that’s been in the sink for an undetermined number of days, glob some of the white stuff, which could be mayonnaise, possibly slaw dressing, definitely probably expired whatever it is, on top of each piece of chicken.

Step 4 – Place it in front of your children, who are glued to video games and YouTube channels of obnoxious kids opening toys, and silently threaten to put them all out with the trash on Tuesday as you head upstairs to Google “how to fake a murder” and pack a suitcase.

This Pile of Crumbs

Meal prep’s best kept secret is the pile of crumbs that’s been collecting in every nook and cranny of your kitchen since last July!

Ingredients:

• Those crumbs and shit under your kitchen chairs; on the counters; in the pantry; in, on, and around the refrigerator; in your hair
• Paper towels

Directions:

Step 1 – Using a dustbuster, suck all that shit up.

Step 2 – Dump it out onto a giant paper towel.

Step 3 – Place it on the kitchen table with a note that says, “Somehow you managed to drop 1/3 of what you’ve eaten the past several months everywhere except in your fat mouths, so here, eat the rest of that, and also, I’ve been murdered and my body has been dumped somewhere you’ll never find, and it’s definitely not in Fiji, so you’re gonna have to shout and complain at the guy who’s always in the bathroom from now on. Oh, and his name is Dad.”

Step 4 – Fly to Fiji.

Bon appetit!

You’re not just surviving anymore. You’re thriving!