As hesitant as we may be, bathing suit season is underway. And I know we all dread the day we have to try on a bathing suit, so how do we not waste our time and emotions on things we are going to hate before they come into our possession? Read. All. of. the. Reviews.  

Online reviews are the backbone of online shopping, or as I like to call it, spilling all of the retail tea. I’ll read as many reviews as I can for something that has piqued my interest because I definitely don’t like to waste time, or try things without knowing how others feel, or be in a fitting room with terrible lighting, yuck. Just no.

So while I was searching for a bathing suit that could hopefully flatter this aging body, a review splashed onto my screen and I of course dived in.

Personally, when I read the opinions of strangers about a product, I want to be taken on a journey. Yes, reviews should be honest and informative. But also I think they should be realistic because as they say, every day is an adventure and you just never know if you might end up in shark-infested waters and will need to split-kick a ho.

Those are the things we need to know. Which is why when I read the title to the review for what I’m calling the “J. Crew shark bite bathing suit,” I realized that I may have found the review that all reviews should use as a reference.

The title of the review is what pulled me all the way into the deep end: “Survived shark attack in one piece.” 

In one piece. 

Let that sink in. 

First of all, who survives a shark attack and thinks, I need to write a review on the product I was using whilst almost being eaten alive by Jaws’ vengeful cousin? Not judging, but I honestly want to know because this is something I would do and I strongly think this reviewer and I should be friends.

Secondly, I need to try this bathing suit because if it was enough for a shark to think “yum, a delicious seal snack,” then I too would want to look like a snack, not for sharks, of course, I’m not a psychopath, but for the ‘gram because a mama like me is trying to get back into her groove. 

I too would have also been devastated if I died and my bathing suit was ruined (LOL). Thankfully, this person was not seriously harmed, but by the picture they included on their review, they got a pretty nasty bruise from the shark bite.

BUT their bathing suit is intact and that’s all that matters here. With a five star review and 10/10 recommendation, I sure do hope J. Crew awarded this stellar review with this bathing suit in every color. 

Also, it should be noted that there were 17 downvotes to this review, and I think it’s safe to say that those are clearly sharks. No one else would hate this review more than the shark that lost its grip. 

And I’m also just going to put this out into the universe that I fully expect for this review to be dramatized and analyzed during Shark Week. Please, this is an absolute need. I mean, can you imagine? A woman more excited about her bathing suit not being damaged from a shark attack than she is about being alive. That’s the most millennial mindset ever.

Save this as a reference for the next time you’re ready to leave a review and for when you need to recommend a bathing suit that will stay intact while you’re almost being eaten alive.