By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
A shocking scandal is causing waves among YouTubers, preschoolers, and the entire gratingly-irritating animated underwater musical community.
It turns out that YouTube sensation Baby Shark is not—as his Billboard’s Hot 100 hit song implies—the offspring of Mama Shark and Daddy Shark, but rather the triangular-finned bastard spawn of Mama Shark and Mailman Shark.
Details of the torrid affair surfaced last week after beachgoers spotted Daddy Shark’s fin tracing anxious circles in the water close to shore. Marine biologist and renowned fish translator Rich Pysees was called to the scene to investigate.
After a brief trip out to sea, Pysees made the following public statement:
“It seems Daddy Shark’s odd behavioral pattern is stemming from a place of deep personal pain and anxiety. I am sorry to report that our beloved Mama Shark has been unfaithful. Earlier this week, Daddy Shark found out she’s been carrying on an affair with Mailman Shark for years, and that Baby Shark was actually born of this affair.
“Daddy Shark says he suspected something fishy was going on when Mama Shark began ordering random, unnecessary items from Amazon Tide, including eye lubricant and matches. The delivery specifications on these orders indicated that only Mama Shark could sign for them, and Daddy Shark now believes his wife was accepting packages from Mailman Shark while he and Baby Shark were at dance rehearsals, sometimes even twice in one day.
“This, in conjunction with a low sperm count diagnosis from his doctor years ago, led Daddy Shark to the inevitable conclusion that the affair had been going on for years, and that Baby Shark was not his own flesh and (cold) blood. When he finally confronted Mama Shark, she confirmed his suspicions and admitted to an ongoing affair with Mailman Shark.
“Although Daddy Shark assures us that he will continue to love and raise Baby Shark as his own, he says his future with Mama Shark looks bleak. When asked for a statement to share with his concerned land friends, he had only the following to say: ‘Mama Shark broke my two-chambered heart. I just don’t know what to doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.’”
Pysees assured us that Daddy Shark does not appear to be exhibiting dangerous or malicious behavior, so ocean-goers have no reason to fear him. He did, however, predict a higher-than-usual salt concentration in the water due to the inundation of Daddy Shark’s tears, so swimmers may want to up their post-beach moisturizing game for the time being.
Pysees offered no insight on how the scandal might impact the Shark family’s wildly successful musical careers, although—having a toddler himself—he did say he wouldn’t be sad to see them die.*
*The musical careers, not the sharks.**
**Pysees was adamant we make this clarification, as he “believe[s] in protecting all marine life, no matter how fucking annoying.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.