Well, fam, swimsuit season is looming. I for one am not looking forward to it, although the fitting room weep sessions certainly are cathartic – and cheaper than therapy!
I usually prefer to have a good cry in the shower, but there’s something about those fitting room flourescents that really kicks it up a notch. I mean, where else can you pick apart your body in high def while a snarky teenager with a half litre of Victoria’s Secret perfume on asks you if you “need another size”?
Of course I do, you ridiculous spring chicken! Age is bending me over hard and almost nothing on this body is where I last saw it.
As if body woes aren’t bad enough, the actual design of your average swimsuit is enough to do you in. Do you go with a two piece and risk having your tits pop out with a strong wave? Maybe you get a one piece and end up in the position of feeling like your body is about to be split up the middle? Perhaps a tankini so you can look like your Great Aunt Sharon during that summer in Boca? The possibilities are endless, and equally cringeworthy!
I mean, really, who could forget Flapgate 2019?
I Present to You Some of the Most Ridiculous (and Hideous) Swimsuits of 2019
1. This Snakeskin Whatthefuckery
You’re a modest bitch who once got Slytherin on a “Which Harry Potter Character are You” Buzzfeed quiz. You like a good half sleeve to protect your dignity, but you also like your bottom half to scream, “Spring Break, Muthafukka!”
2. This 50 shades of Harnessing Your Bikini
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Gee, my bikini sure could use a harness to keep it in place and to give strangers the vibe that I’m into some light BDSM”? If so, then this is the perfect weird bikini for you!
Ok, maybe this one is cute.
3. This Pom Pom Monstrosity
Is looking like a kindergartener’s craft project on your list of summertime to-dos? If so, do I ever have the terribly impractical, off-the-shoulder suit for you!
4. Fuck it, Maybe Just Wear this Doily
This ain’t your Grandma’s crochet…
5. This Nostalgia-Inducing Suit
If you’ve ever felt like there’s something missing in your life, and the thing that’s missing is looking like one of those decoy characters in a “Where’s Waldo” scene, then consider yourself complete.
6. Beep Beep, Buckle Up
We have to deal with these cheap-ass plastic buckles on high chairs, shopping carts and strollers, and now it looks like we have to deal with them on swimsuits, too. Warning – this buckle will only work if the bottom quarter of your underboobs are exposed.
7. Do you See What I See?
Hey, eyes up here, bro! There’s more to me than just dope crocheted nipples and Chevron area rugs.
8. This Grade 3 Binder Looking Bullshit
Honestly, I can’t even with this one. The rainbows, the overall design… Just cover yourself in your toddler’s stickers and call it a day. Save a few bucks.
9. If Borat’s Swimsuit and a Maxi Pad had a Weird Impractical Baby
It would be this fuggin’ thing.
10. Look Like a Fembot in This Ugly Suit
I can’t decide which is worse: the color, the material, or the fact that the straps don’t match. The. Straps. Don’t Match.