There was once a point in time where humans roamed the Earth, armed with ingenuity and fire, self-sufficient and able to nourish themselves with the fruits of their pursuits in the wild, whether they be hunted, fished, or grown in the Earth as Gaia intended.
Now we have the grocery store.
Our species has turned in our spears and bows and traded them for carts and coupons as our labors to feed ourselves and our families has moved indoors – under the stark, looming halogens of the almighty grocery store.
The grocery store is one of the modern day fronts of this dreadfully dreary battle we call adulthood. It is fraught with many perils. Small talk, decision-making and being confronted with which toilet paper income bracket you fall into are just a few of the unique and soul-crushing difficulties of the modern day grocery store.
And that’s not even tracing the surface of what it’s like if you happen to have kids. From grocery carts 75% full of high fructose fuckery to carrying your pride and joy slung over your shoulder as you drop-kick them into their snug and crumb-laden car seats, the grocery store struggle is real, but as a parent, it’s practically in emotional technicolor.
The same can be said for your marriage. If your relationship isn’t tested to the absolute limits after being within a 2 mile radius of a conveyor belt manned by a teenager with a shitty attitude and a burgeoning love of Fritos and cannabis, then are you even married at all?
Despite these pitfalls, the fact is that we gotta eat. And considering that we don’t seem to have a single clue about how to do that without having the essentials sold to us by big evil corporations, that means we are gonna have to brave the grocery store.
Good luck and Godspeed!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 4, 2019
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 15, 2016
At the grocery store without my kids. In case anyone asks if I took a vacation this summer.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) August 1, 2015
Texting my wife 300 times while doing the grocery shopping to clarify every item on the list and also to ask what size and how many and which aisle is why I don’t have to go grocery shopping any more.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 9, 2019
"I don't mind going grocery shopping with my kids" said the lying parent through their lying liar teeth.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) August 18, 2017
Oh, don't mind me. I'm just counting the groceries in your cart if you are in front of me in express lane.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) October 19, 2013
Awesome pictures of your kids sweetly sitting in the grocery cart, Karen. Mine act like a combo of Nell and Mowgli seeing civilization for the first time when they’re in a store but yay for you.
— ParlerToddler (@Parler_Toddler) April 22, 2018
For Halloween I am dressing up in a casual yet trendy outfit and am going to shop at Whole Foods pretending I can afford to be there.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) October 24, 2015
"You've got this. You've got this. You've GOT this!"
– me, sitting in my car, pumping myself up to go into the grocery store
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) April 23, 2016
I just carried in 23 bags of groceries by myself in one trip, and no one in this house acted impressed.
— keith (@tchrquotes) June 7, 2015
If hell exists, it's probably just grocery shopping with a cranky toddler for all of eternity.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 2, 2016
Today's prolonged staring at shit I don't need at this grocery store is brought to you by Linda who is taking her goddamned time in aisle 5.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 21, 2017
Grocery shopping with kids is just saying "put that back!" every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.
— Top Knot Toni (@topknottoni) January 13, 2017
Parenthood = thinking you might have your shit together & then your 4yo has a meltdown in the grocery store bc the dinosaurs are all dead.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) April 13, 2017
My superpower is not bitch slapping you when you stop short in the grocery aisle to have a conversation with Karen up the street blocking the whole damn aisle NO ONE CARES ABOUT SHAWNS NEW COAST GUARD JOB GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY I NEED SOY SAUCE
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) February 28, 2018
Being an adult is mostly being excited to have a coupon for 2 boxes of waffles for $2.60 & realizing you forgot to use it when you get home.
— keith (@tchrquotes) August 2, 2015
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 29, 2018
Grocery stores are basically haunted houses, but instead of being haunted by ghosts, they are haunted by your expectations that simply buying some food and Kleenex shouldn’t induce an emotional crisis.
And yet, here we are. *shrugs*
If this gave you a laugh, pay it forward by sharing it with your fellow friends who have a complicated love/hate relationship with the grocery store!