Marriage with kids is super sexy, right? I mean, my kid threw up on me three times the other night while my husband slept on Star Wars sheets in another child’s bed. We do “date night” on occasion when we can wrangle a babysitter and I have the energy to shower and put on real pants. But more often that not, we fall asleep at night, mid-beer, watching the Food Network and talking about what color we’d like to paint the kitchen.
Romance isn’t totally lost on married people, however. For one, they keep having babies, so you know there’s something going on once in a while. But yeah, there are lots of interruptions, some bargaining via household chores, and you might keep your socks on the whole time. And you definitely need to lower your standards—like waaaaaay down. As in, you better get used to hearing the baby shark song playing in the other room in order to get the job done. Sexy AF, amiright?
So here are 18 hilarious tweets from other married people just like you who are trying to keep the flame burning, but who are also really, really fucking tired.
My mating call is, “Hurry up. He’s finally sleeping, and I don’t know how long we have!”
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@MiddlingMs) June 15, 2016
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 2, 2016
[alarm goes off]
Wife: Unnngh. I don’t want to get out of bed.
Me: If you stay in bed, I’m going to try to have sex with you.
Wife: [already at work]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 14, 2019
Keep the flame alive by withholding sex until he puts away the pair of shoes that’s been sitting on the steps for 2 weeks.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 8, 2017
Is that when you climb in bed, remove your sleeping spouse’s limbs from your side of the bed and say “breathe the other way”?
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 22, 2016
[husband uses a vacation day]
H: You know, technically…I’m being paid to have sex today.
Me: You’re like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 5, 2017
The Kitchenary Position: when your husband is trying to round bases when you’re slaving over dinner and you’re hella annoyed because your priority is food
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) October 18, 2018
Me: Do that thing I like
Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 9, 2018
If your sexytime music is cartoons playing loudly outside your locked door, you might be a parent.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) July 30, 2018
Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back.
No one won the wrestling match. No one.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) May 26, 2018
Him: What are you wearing?
Me: Medical-grade hospital socks with anti-slip technology.
— Crystal Lowery Comedian (@Crystalllowery) November 18, 2018
I don’t know who needs to see this but, sex can sometimes lead to toddlers.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) December 13, 2018
Husband: Just go to Target by yourself. I’ll put the kids to bed.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) July 15, 2016
Me, coughing up a lung with snot coming out of my nose.
Husband: we can still do it though, right?
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) September 17, 2017
Guess what color panties I’m wearing 😉💋
Guess how many times I’ve pooped today 💦💩
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) May 2, 2017
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
— Life📌UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) August 25, 2017
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 29, 2018
[married morning sex]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 3, 2018
Wife: What’s in it for me?
Wife: *gets naked*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2015
But you know what? There’s comfort in married sex. You can wear the same pajamas five nights in a row, fall asleep covered in Dorito crumbs, and have cat litter morning breath, and your SO may still say, “Sure” if you throw your bedroom eyes their way. It’s a whole new level of sexy, and for those of us who are several kids in and rounding the 20-year mark, these post-baby, beer-drinking, slow metabolism, exhausted bodies are the sexiest ones we’ve ever had.
So get your romance on tonight. Maybe do the dishes or take out the trash for your spouse, or put the kids to bed early to make some extra time for each other. Or maybe not because you wiped a small butt eleventy times today, stepped on a Lego, and need to figure out when you can get your brake light fixed. There’s always tomorrow, right?
Either way, you’re in it to win it, whether you pull an all-night sex-fest or pencil in a quickie for next Wednesday. That’s love, folks. And marriage.