By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
A small church in Sanktimmony, WV, is petitioning for local government to shut down any studio offering hot yoga classes, claiming that they are “too provocative and encouraging of sexual promiscuity.”
We caught up with Pastor Richard Pytee—head of the local church where the petition started—outside of the Sweaty Betty Hot Yoga Studio, where we found him clutching a bible and posing for photo ops with the local paper.
“These brothel-like establishments are luring women in with empty promises of relaxation, fitness, and ‘escape’ time,” he told us. “Most of them probably don’t even realize what they’re getting into.”
Pytee said he discourages women in his church from partaking in women’s exercise classes in general, but that hot yoga classes in particular raise an exceptional number of moral concerns.
“The truth of the matter is, the only way a woman’s body is supposed to stretch is outward, when her womb swells with the miracle of life,” he said. “Female exercise classes are dangerous. They pull women away from their rightful place in society and give them a false sense of strength and independence. These women belong at home, raising children, cooking dinners, and tending to their husbands’ every need.”
“And these hot yoga classes. I mean, have you seen the way women dress for these things?” he asked. “Tight-fitting clothing. Sometimes nothing more than a sports bra and leggings. It’s disgraceful.”
Pytee also said that “throwing a bunch of hot, sweaty, scantily-clad women in a room together is “just asking for trouble.”
“This kind of environment breeds unnatural sexual attraction, if you know what I mean. These ‘yoga instructors’—as they like to call themselves—might as well deliver a handwritten invitation to Satan, asking him to teach a class.”
A group of local stay-at-home moms is fighting back against the church’s petition, claiming that their weekly hot yoga classes are the only opportunity they have to relax and get away from the depressing monotony of laundry folding, dishwashing, and perpetual butt-wiping.
“Hot yoga is the only thing keeping me from losing my fucking shit,” stated one woman, who requested to remain anonymous in order to avoid “getting stoned in the street like Mary Magdalene.” “Don’t these holier-than-thou fuckers have anything better to do?”
As of press time, no formal action had been taken to shut down hot yoga studios across the state, but Pytee remains confident that “it’s only a matter of time.”
“Submit yourselves therefore to God,” he said with a wink and a hearty thump on his bible. “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and four lazy cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and peanut butter (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.