By Mock Mom

Ah, to be young and carefree again. You might not know it by looking at my worn-out leggings and oversized hoodie, but back in my day I was quite the ho-fessional dong snorter. As in cock gobbler. Knob polisher extraordinaire.

However as time goes by, things tend to change, and the sad reality is that I hung up my “Long Island Blowjob Queen” sash when I traded in humming for mumming. And I wouldn’t change a thing. But that doesn’t mean that there’s not still a sexy spark deep within my epiglottis that longs for the good old days of dating and fellating.

So whenever I feel this way I put on a bright lippy and a smile. After all, even if you can’t hoe, it doesn’t mean you can’t glow. So let’s take a walk down memory lane and look at all the lipstick shades that say “I used to be good at blowies!!”

Rum Raisin: Nothing sends the message “I was a trash Hoover in 1998” quite like the obnoxious-yet-mysterious purplish tones of the iconic Rum Raisin shade. Unfortunately, these days I’m mostly sporting that shade on my arse thanks to that juice box I accidentally sat on. These lips are retired.

Cherries in the Snow: If you’re into red and reminiscing on how you lost your virginity to some crusty boy who used to play “Leisure Suit Larry” in his free time, then Cherries in the Snow is for you! Putting this shade on is a great way to remember what that mouth used to do, even though today it’s more likely to wrap itself around anything with a high carb count rather than anyone’s gennies. RIP.

Fairest Nude: You know what’s not fair? That men get to age without anyone fucking bothering them, meanwhile we women have to blow out our undercarriages to have kids and then eventually we’re left with hemorrhoids, incontinence, and skin parachutes where our sexy used to be. If you catch me wearing this lipstick, chances are I’m just trying to connect with the part of myself that used to lick things other than a tissue to clean a booger off someone I made. Say “fair” one more time motherfucker.

Orgasm: Although you probably haven’t had one in awhile, wearing a color named “Orgasm” is a great way to really drive that point home. However, wearing this shade is a fantastic way to get your lips feeling all nostalgic for that one time you popped in for a pack of Junior Mints at the local truck stop and got devilishly derailed by a mysterious hole in the bathroom. Now the only surprises you get are the elaborate animal costumes that you bought when you mixed wine and Ambien. Do you even own a pet?! I sure don’t. God I miss the old days.

Lusty Mauve: This ain’t your Grandma’s mauve! This is for bad bitches who liked to collect neck injuries across area codes during Spring Break 2001. WOOT! Now the only thing you have to look forward to that’s hot is menopause. Kill me.

Cramped up in the Backseat of a Rusty Honda Civic: Is this the name of a lipstick shade or is it the title of your memoir? It’s hard to think about colors when you’re absolutely aching to bruise the back of your throat so bad that your dentist will show the photos at the next professional conference as an example. You used to be good at blowies, but now the only thing you’re good at is packing extra Advil and finding sales at Target.

So farewell to the good old days. You may be gone, but certainly not forgotten. These days we just honor our mouths with lipstick instead of dipstick. And that’s OK too.