Last week, Hasbro announced that it would drop the “Mr.” from Mr. Potato Head, essentially neutering our beloved childhood friend.

In a CPAC speech, Matt Gaetz referred to Mr. Potato Head as “America’s first transgender doll.” While Fox News and Ben Shapiro have been rightfully leading the nation’s outrage in this totally logical, not-at-all-weird-as-fuck fight.

How dare the Liberal Media and Cancel Culture castrate our favorite potate with their gender-neutral pronouns?

Not that potatoes have actual genders. In fact, I think my grandma’s Mr. Potato Head was an actual potato. But still. OUTRAGE!

Of course Mr. Potato Head has a PENIS! I put it there MYSELF when I was pretending his ARM was one.

In fact, I’ve added a pair of truck nuts to him. Because as a patriot, I think we need to stop not sexualizing children’s toys! THIS ARGUMENT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD!

Everyone knows God made TWO genders. Well technically, he made Man and a Rib. But from that Rib came Mrs. Potato Head’s adorable tiny hat and bangles! God did not make a Mr. and Mrs. Potato head for their accessories to be used interchangeably! Our beloved starchy friends were not designed to be a gateway drug for crossdressing!

As a Christian, you are only allowed to be slightly attracted to the Potato opposite of your own gender. God is very strict about hetero-tuber relations.

So go ahead and try to create a gender-neutral potato. I’ll be here, fighting about penises and vaginas on vegetables which, in reality, don’t have either.

Even if I have to 3-D print my own miniature blazing cross and huge DD potatotiddays for the Mrs., don’t think I won’t. Because FREEDOM!