What to Get Your Valentine Based on Her Astrology Sign


Valentine’s Day is all about being with the one you love, and showing her how much you care for her. Unless you have kids, and then you’re probably reading this through tears because your sitter canceled and your kids won’t stop screaming.

Fear not, we’re here to help you rekindle that spark. The one that makes her give you “the look” and, if you’re lucky, maybe even oral.

Here is a guide to what the mother of your children really wants for Valentine’s Day, based on her astrological sign:

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

This sign thrives on adventure and enjoys things that nobody else has. Think of trying a new restaurant, going to a new museum, or scheduling your vasectomy at a new clinic.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Tauruses love practicality, so gifts that they can use are ideal. Bubble baths, eye masks, wine, vasectomies, and chocolate are all gifts that moms of this sign are sure to appreciate.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

This is the social butterfly of the zodiac. They love connecting with people and will be in their element when you take them out for a night on the town, or when they’re by your side while you get your vasectomy.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Cancer moms are kind, nurturing, sensitive homebodies. They love things like watching rom-coms on the couch, eating their favorite ice cream, and cuddling up as you recover from your NON INVASIVE vasectomy.

Leo (July 23 to August 22)

Leos love being the center of attention. Consider a grand gesture, like getting her some new sparkly jewelry, serenading her at karaoke, or signing up to get your vas deferens lasered already.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22)

This sign is all about control and liking what they like. So take them to a concert for their favorite band, or let them decide what date you should make your vasectomy appointment for.

Libra (September 23 to October 22)

Libras are often introspective, so they love thoughtful gifts that are tailored to their interests, and having sex without having to bear the brunt of being the one responsible for birth control.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Scorpio moms are sexy and intense and would love to have a hotel night away together…about 3 months after the vasectomy procedure, once you confirm there aren’t any more swimmers.

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)

This sign loves adventure, knowledge, and nature. They love books, new adventures, and they know that vasectomies are one of the least invasive, most effective birth control methods.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Capricorns LOVE to be splurged on. They’re worth spending a little extra money, and/or getting your balls done for.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

This sign loves unique and funky gifts, like being signed up for a yoga class, or being able to fuck without having to worry about having more babies.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

This water sign believes in all things magic, which means they have faith that you’ll actually follow through on the vasectomy you promised you’d get.

Trust your instincts and know that, whatever her sign is, you know her better than anyone. The world is your oyster. (Except for YOUR oysters. It’s time to defuse those bad boys.)