If you would have asked me back in 1996 who Gwyneth Paltrow was, I would have enthusiastically answered “actress!” thinking of her part in making my boo Brad Pitt wail “Whassinnndabaahhxx” in the desert at the end of Seven.
However, if you were to ask nowadays who she is, you may get a less-straightforward answer.
According to Wikipedia, Gwyneth Paltrow is an “actress, singer, author, and businesswoman.” But what she makes regular headlines for is the outright what-the-fuckery circus that is her life and the lifestyle empire she runs, called GOOP.
GOOP is “A Modern Lifestyle Brand,” and through it we have seen many, many moments that made us collectively scratch our heads and wonder what the fuck is this bitch on?
There are new age things, over-priced things, and pseudoscience things, all presented with an air of superiority and pristine upper-class white lady-osity.
Despite the fact that GOOP will do something GOOP-y and you think it couldn’t possibly get any GOOP-ier, the truth is that Gwyneth Paltrow must be some sort of marketing wizard who has found a way to capitalize on our endless appetite for a good hate-watch shitshow. We should be better than this, but I’m afraid we’re not. We’re just not.
10 Times Gwyneth Paltrow was GOOP-y AF*
*Although it was difficult to limit ourselves to just these 10 GOOP-y moments, we are choosing to do so for the preservation of brain cells everywhere. Stay blessed.
1. That Time She Wanted You To Steam Your Vagina
Try as you might, the sad fact is that you’re probably just some plebeian loser with a dreadfully understeamed coochie. No worries! Gwyneth had a solution for you with her recommendation to steam your yoni. And she didn’t just mean cartwheeling over the pasta water. GOOP wrote a blog post detailing her experience at some fancy spa where a mugwort-infused vaginal steam was the show-stopper.
2. That Time She Wanted You To Get Your (Precious) Rocks Off
Your vagina is a sacred vessel. Just kidding! Not yours, obviously, but hers! And if you too wanna feel like a fancy fucker, make sure to check out this $15,000 golden dildo GOOP recommended. OKthanksbyeee.
3. That Time Her Divorce Was Better Than Yours
While you and the rest of your lowbrow Walmart-loving friends are passing notes with your ex so you don’t rage-punch them in front of your mid-level Montessori childcare center, Gwynnie and Chris Martin were “Consciously Uncoupling” like very well-adjusted word-inventing grownups.
4. That Time She Sold a $75 Snatch-n-Sniff Candle
5. That Time She Appeared in a Vast Lady Cavern (See a Trend Here?)
In the promo images for the new GOOP show (we just can’t get enough GOOP-y GOOP-ness it seems), Gwyneth is shown front and center in what can only be described as the mouth of a cavernous pink tunnel. I would insinuate it was a vagina, but there was nary a jade egg or bitch with a Hoover home-steamer to be seen, so I think it’s safe to say it must be mimicking something else. I hope.
6. That Time She “William Joel”‘ed
You say potato, I say po-tah-to. Once upon a time, Gwyneth rubbed your great aunt the wrong way by William Joel-ing Billy Joel in a recipe. What the actual fuck. This is like those people who call Target Tar-jay.
7. That Time She Advocated for Yoni Eggs (Definitely a Trend)
GOOP is obsessed with vaginas; you wont convince me otherwise. And yours is a right mess of low-vibe bullshittery if it isn’t stuffed with the finest crystals and adornments. It’s like the vejazzle for the income bracket you’ll never reach.
8. That Time She Advocated Covering Yourself in High-Vibe Stickers
You’re a toxic POS, and it’s not just your family and friends saying it this time. Gwyneth thinks so too! Luckily she has the remedy in the form of stickers that you put on your body to unfuck your frequencies. Sounds legit. Lucky for us moms, we’re already covered in stickers thanks to our annoying AF kids. But sure, Gwynnie, make it fashun.
9. Coffee Enema
Bitches love coffee and bitches love anal. Wait, what? You know what else bitches love? DIY. Shiplap your own wellness by using a home coffee-enema kit! Anything in the name of a good detox, amirite??
10. That Time She Invented Yoga
All this nonsense about the rich cultural history of yoga is a bunch of FAKE NEWS. Everyone knows that yoga didn’t matter until Gwyneth floated down from the sky and let her freshly saged and steamed cooter blow a kiss in its general direction. It is known. Why oh why can’t popular culture please recognize the contribution of ultra-rich white ladies? Le sigh.
Lucky for us, there will probably be lots more nonsense to come from GOOP
I’m sure she has plenty more up her flaps to ensure we continue to be vagina-deep in pseudoscience and quackery.