By Jennifer Craven
Being a parent is funny, really, in that out-of-body is-this-really-my-life sort of way. Trust me, when you find yourself cleaning other people’s bodily fluids more often than your own, it’s easy to retreat into a half-lucid daydream where bizarre connections are made. Thus, this list of Brad Pitt movie titles that represent the epitome of mom life. (Really, there is no other explanation).
1. Thelma and Louise
Congrats, you’ve got twins! Meet your new boobs. And yes, they now have names. For instance: Jesus Christ, Louise is about to burst! Or, Damnit, Thelma is leaking again. Or (a bit later), Thelma and Louise just aren’t what they used to be. Just like your newborn, they’re only sort of cute and scream at you when they need attention.
2. A River Runs Through It
Welcome to post-childbirth workouts. You now need to wear a maxi pad for all physical activity, particularly jumping jacks, as well as everyday exertions such as a hearty laugh or surprise sneeze. Pack extra underwear because you piss yourself as often as your potty-training toddler.
3. The Big Short
It’s been six weeks. He’s anxious (in a good way), you’re anxious (in a not-so-good way). But let’s get real for a sec…ain’t nothing sexy about the first postpartum fornication. It’s fucking scary. Thankfully, it’s a hurdle that must be crossed, even if it is (very) short.
Mom rage (mom rayj, n.): extreme wrath, sudden violence, or chilling rampage. See: accidentally knocking over a bottle of breast milk, or someone ringing the doorbell five minutes after the baby falls asleep.
5. Interview With The Vampire
Have you ever been jolted from sleep by the screeching sounds of an exorcism in the next room? If you’ve ever tried to wake a child from a night terror and/or explain away a nightmare to a semi-conscious preschooler, you know what I’m talking about.
Motherhood means constant touching. It’s clinginess to the N-th degree. It’s baby wearing, hand holding, lap sitting, snuggle-festing, nighttime rocking until you think you can’t take it another minute…but then wake-up the-next-day-happy-to-do-it-all-again insanity.
7. Legends Of The Fall
I don’t care how tidy your keep your home, you WILL step on something. Sharp. You WILL catch a tiny plastic Lego underfoot and fall crumbling to the ground in dramatic fashion. Your spouse WILL then turn to you and say, “How was your trip?” You WILL threaten to get rid of all the Legos (but won’t follow through).
Simply put, this is the number of times you will have to reheat your coffee before finishing it.
9. Fight Club
One child is an angel, two start to bicker, and by three or more, you’ve got yourself an official fight club. Rules for kids in the club: deliberately annoy the fuck out of each other. But guess what? Now you’ve got a new role to add to your bag of tricks. I hope you like black and white stripes, because now you’re a referee.
10. Inglorious Basterds
One word: sanctimommies. Get ready to have opinions on child rearing passive-aggressively hurled your way dripping in fake sweetness and topped off with a scoop of humble brag. Thanks, Brenda, for informing me how you make healthy, organic meals seven nights a week. Team #nuggets4life.
11. 12 Years A Slave
So you signed your kid up for dance class or T-ball at age five. Rookie mistake. Now they love it…and they want to continue through high school graduation. Your life now consists of evening practices, Saturday morning games, whole-weekend travel games, fundraising, boosters, volunteering, recitals…and handing your monthly paycheck over to youth sports.
12. The Audition
Making mom friends is sorta like a test of compatibility. Like trying to showcase the gamut of your personality in 10 minutes to see if it’s a match. Hi, I like stretch pants, skipping multiple pages during story time, and getting woken up at 5 a.m. Wanna be friends?
13. Burn After Reading
This is your desperate attempt for “me time”—reading outside while your child naps. But guess what? You’re pale AF, and you fell asleep, my friend. So instead of getting a healthy glow, you look like a lobster.
AKA prom. Shelling out an ungodly amount of cash for your daughter’s dress (a different one all four years…don’t be a cheap asshole). Oh, don’t forget about gaudy acrylic nails and salon hair that will fall out in less than two hours.
15. World War Z
Hell hath no fury like a teenager scorned (or so I’ve been told). Because you wouldn’t let her wear the mini skirt with her ass cheeks hanging out—you cold-blooded mother you. And you said he couldn’t take the car out to meet friends in a blizzard, because #safety.
The state of your partnership on this wild parenthood journey. If you’re lucky, you’ll have an ally. Sure, there will be times you’re more like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but remember to resist that strong urge to kill each other. Believe it or not, your chaotic life is more fun than jail.
Who knew Brad Pitt’s body of work so aligned with my life? Now if only he could make movies called “Why Is This Wet?” and “My Best Friend, Chocolate.”
About the Author
Jennifer is a mom to three young children who enjoy leaving socks around the house and dropping goldfish on the floor. Her work can be found at The Washington Post, Scary Mommy, Her View From Home, Motherly, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram @RedtoPen.