By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

You’re a mom. You’ve been up since 6 a.m. The baby is crying, the toddler is tantrumming, and you just stepped in a pile of cat puke. You peel the furry, vomit-covered sock off your foot and head off in search of a pick-me-up. You need energy. You need caffeine. YOU NEED COFFEE.

You reach for your mug—still halfway full from when you filled it nearly five hours ago—take a sip, and recoil at the lukewarm liquid that passes your lips. Almost instinctually, you head to the kitchen.

Thinking about reheating that same cup of coffee for the millionth time today? You may want to step away from the microwave.

According to a new study published by the Coffee Research and Analysis Partners (CRAP), moms who microwave the same cup of coffee multiple times a day put themselves at risk for a number of adverse physiological and psychological effects.

“These moms are slowly killing themselves,” said Dr. Robert Noda, CRAP scientist and lead research associate for the recent study. “We found a direct link between the amount of time a mother’s cup of coffee spends in the microwave and her cortisol [a stress hormone] levels. It all comes down to chemistry. When the caffeine in coffee undergoes prolonged, repeated exposure to the electromagnetic radiation in microwaves, its molecular structure breaks down and rearranges, allowing it to create free hydrogen ions. Then, when it enters the human body, those ions form hydrogen bonds with any cortisol molecules already present.

“Basically, the caffeine molecules and cortisol molecules are joining forces, effectively creating highly caffeinated stress hormones, and they’re wreaking havoc on the drinker’s central nervous system. Imagine taking an already powerful stressor, like Caillou, and giving him the strength and stamina of Superman. That’s essentially what’s happening here. The human body just isn’t designed to deal with that level of stress.”

Luckily for men, Noda believes the phenomenon only occurs in women with young children and is especially prevalent among stay-at-home moms.

“At this point, we’re not sure why mothers—particularly those with multiple children under the age of five—are more susceptible to these ‘super stress hormones.’ Even more baffling is the fact that these moms appear to be more vulnerable the week before their menses arrive.”

Noda also found that the specific microwave used to reheat the coffee can increase a mother’s risk of suffering serious side effects.

“We found a correlation between the ‘beep’ the microwave makes when it’s done running and the severity of the resulting health issues. Basically, microwaves that beep at repeated intervals at a frequency greater than 8000 Hz make women more inclined to lose their goddamn minds.”

Noda’s complete findings are scheduled to be published in the next issue of No Shit, Sherlock: Health Ed. In the meantime, he shared with us a few of his more “significant” observations. According to Noda, moms who microwave the same cup of coffee more than 10 times per day are at a 1248.647% higher risk of the following:

• Increased heart rate and blood pressure
• Notably higher anxiety levels
• Decrease in, or complete lack of, patience
• Degeneration of the vocal cords, a byproduct of frequent screaming, hyperventilating, and slurping down boiling liquids
• Second degree burns in areas inside and surrounding the mouth
• Short term memory loss, as evidenced by recurrent outcries of “Where the f*ck did I put my coffee?”
• Irrational and impulsive thoughts/behavior, such as the sudden and irrepressible desire to shove a butcher knife through the TV screen during Caillou
• Tourette symptoms, primarily manifested in uncontrollable expletive-dropping and occasional spasms of the middle finger toward young children
• Hairy legs

Left untreated, Noda believes any of these conditions could lead to death, “most likely within a time span of 1 – 90 years after the reheating habit is established.” Therefore, he encourages mothers of young children to be proactive by “making a conscious effort not to reheat coffee throughout the day,” or by “just switching to decaf.”

Sources tell us that Noda’s office at CRAP headquarters is currently under surveillance due to a recent threat he received from an anonymous woman asking “how he’d like his balls switched to decaf.”

While he doesn’t understand the logistics of the threat, Noda suspects the woman who made it reheated her morning cup of joe a few too many times.

Related Post: Mom Suffers Existential Crisis After Peeing Alone

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About the Author

Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.