In 2015, the well-known actress, Gwyneth Paltrow, sparked quite a bit of intrigue, and probably some eye rolls and a sudden spike in women visiting the ER with burnt vaggies, after raving about the practice of steam-cleaning her vagina. A thing that used to be reserved for dusty old rugs. Gwyneth claimed that steaming your clam has its benefits, like regulating your period, balancing hormones, and keeping the skin looking young and healthy.
Gwynnie is back at it with her weird cooter practices. Recently, Gwyneth’s website, Goop, which ironically sounds like some sort of abnormal vaginal secretion, promoted jade eggs. Jade eggs are basically weights your vagina can use to workout and are made of different crystals, which are thought to have different properties.
The Q&A in the GOOP article is a lot to take in. Pun intended. The maker of these eggs recommends treating the use of jade eggs like a ritual. Boiling your egg once you receive it, placing it under a full moon to cleanse it, lighting candles, and making an altar for which to set it on after you wrap it in a silk cloth. There are lots of words like “temple” and “love energy.”
This got me thinking of what other bizarre shit Gwyneth might think up for me and my yoni. No, not the weird, long-haired singer guy. Yoni apparently means “sacred space.”
Here’s what I bet would be on Gwyneth Paltrow’s guide to having a blessed vagina.
1. Saging Your Sideways Smile
Since Gwyneth is very concerned with vagine positivity, I thought of the common negativity banishing technique of smudging. Here’s how Gwyneth would describe vagina saging. Probably.
Stand in front of a mirror and focus on your intent. Insert a quality stick of sage, preferably made by Tibetan monks, inside of your vagina, and imagine a bright white light, lighting the outside end. Take a slow stroll through your house, taking time to visit every corner since that’s where negativity lingers, and think happy, healing thoughts to toss out all that dark energy.
2. Advanced Egg Practices
Turn your vaginal exercise into a neat party trick by learning to shoot the eggs out like ping pong balls. Make it fun. Offer onlookers ponchos so they can feel like they’re in the splash zone of Sea World.
3. Puss Mantras
Celebrate your hot pocket by praying for it. Below is a short example of a mantra you can chant to your pink snapper:
Humid lady cavern
Taker of poundings
Positivity abounds for my whispering eye
Many thanks to my yoni
4. Labia Yurts
Make a sacred space with your sacred space. Construct a yurt with your labes. Maybe tuck a flower or herb into your skirt steak and meditate on your fuzzy taco. Yum! Suddenly I want fajitas.
5. Vag Totem
Personal totems are incredibly powerful. Put the strength of your pelvic floor to the test by inserting a plank of cedar, or maybe sandalwood, in your chonch and visualize your spirit guides. Let them guide your muff as it whittles you a talisman.
I’ll be looking forward to my feature in your next edition, Gwynnie.