Sweet flippety fuckdragons, does Gwyneth Paltrow have a line she is unwilling to cross? Apparently not. Because it appears she’s no longer concerned with us steaming and shoving eggs up our clam salads. Now her lifestyle brand, Goop, wants us to toss our other salads, recommending we introduce caffeine into our downtowns.
In its Beauty and Wellness Detox Guide, the Goop website suggests we supercharge our detox by “getting into a routine that includes a bit of sweat, stimulation, exfoliation, and deep detoxification.” The guide starts out innocently enough, stating we might like to try some body oil, polishing body brush, supplement, and facial mask products, and then … wait a minute … is that? … THEY WANT US TO TRY AN AT-HOME COFFEE ENEMA?!?!
Called the Implant O-Rama System (why they have to make it sound like we’re getting a breast augmentation at a roller rink I will never know), the description reads:
We came up with the design for the Implant O’Rama as a clean way to do coffee enemas, ozone water enemas, or nutrient implants. Normal enema bags from the drug store cost 10 to 20 dollars and just removing them from the plastic packaging releases toxic fumes. Putting coffee, which is an acid, next to substandard plastic or rubber defeats the detoxification process as it leeches xenoestrogens and other toxic chemicals into the liquid. Even expensive silicone bags are difficult to clean and need to be replaced frequently. The Implant O’Rama is made from glass, kynar connectors, and silicone tubing. This system is completely non-reactive to coffee acids or ozone. The pump attached to the Implant ‘O Rama allows the liquid to be pushed in with a small amount of force, delivering the liquid to areas higher in the colon.
Oh, IT’S MADE FROM GLASS AND PROMISES TO REACH AREAS OF MY COLON NOT EVEN MY BODY IS AWARE EXIST? I can’t bend over fast enough.
The website does have a disclaimer saying they make no claims about the product and recommend we consult a medical practitioner about any procedures we don’t understand to make sure they’re right for us. I’d love to see that conversation:
“Hey, Doc, whatcha think about me shoving some espresso up my bum hole here? Lookin’ to shit out 40 years of bad decisions and my esophagus.”
“Sounds like a slam dunk idea to me. What could go wrong?”
I don’t mean to speak for anybody else here, but whenever I’m in the market for an enema, I just head to Taco Bell, down a dozen or two bean burritos, and wait for the magic to happen, none of which requires me to shove anything up my asshole.
In all seriousness, though, if you’re in the market for “sweat” and “stimulation” as you “detoxify” your “deep” places, shoving caffeine up your fudge nozzle is definitely one way to get it. You’ll be bouncing off that toilet seat and seeing Jesus in no time, I guarantee it.
Good God, Gwyneth, give it a rest and let go of this obsession with our orifices. I like coffee as much as the next person, but there’s only one hole I’m putting it in.
And it ain’t my brown crown.