Cat Confirms He’s Silently Judging Everyone


(In spite of the logistical and physical limitations of reality, we were able to obtain this excerpt written by a local cat, who wishes to be simply identified as “Max.”)

Where to begin? There’s so much about human behavior that confuses me. The way you pretend to be nice to people you don’t actually like. Or how you “rage clean” the house before people come over.

I personally love company, so much so that I express that love by licking my asshole within everyone’s earshot. I would lick my balls but, OH, RIGHT, you had them removed without my consent.

Like it wasn’t tough enough when my humans decided to have children. The screaming little monsters who chase after me and try to tug on my tail… Let me be clear, there’s not enough tuna in the world for any cat to want to put up with these sticky-fingered assholes.

They had kids AND turned me into a eunuch. So now I mount blankets and don’t even know why. It’s fucking depressing.

While we’re on the subject of food, yes, I do see that little bit of food left in the bowl. No, I’m not going to eat it. And yes, this is coming from the same cat who eats plastic. If you think that bottom food is edible, you’re welcome to eat it yourself.

And stop buying that cheap, generic shit, please. I saw a report that it has shoe leather in it. I only eat toxic things on my own terms.

I realize I’m not always the easiest roommate to have. I don’t have the fine motor skills to clean up my own hairballs. I can’t help that I’m evolutionarily designed to hunt at 3 am, so I get the zoomies and tear through your bedroom like a tornado while you’re trying to sleep.

You don’t want me sitting on your chest and meowing for food at 6 am, I get that. (But to be fair, it works.)

You guys think I’m an asshole, but I want you guys to know that you’re 100% correct. I do silently judge you and all your friends. And I absolutely sit just out of reach on purpose!

I have mood swings, and own my right to only want love when you’re “working on your writing” (I can see you’re on Facebook. I’m a cat; I’m not blind.) and then pull a complete 180-degree turn and bite the shit out of your hand for no reason. I don’t need a reason! I’m a fucking cat!

If you only slept for 20 hours a day, you’d be exhausted, too, okay? So please continue to buy meat, but be sure to cut it into itty bitty pieces, because I’m spoiled and don’t like the idea of having to chew things (besides plastic, obviously).

Oh, and clean my shitbox, human!