By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
A 3-year-old boy in Wheaton, IL is reportedly in good health after accidentally ingesting an entire bite of the crust his mom neglected to cut off his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Finn and Nicki Dyner were allegedly enjoying their regular afternoon routine of PBJ and Ellen when the incident occurred.
“I don’t know what happened,” said Mrs. Dyner, a stay-home mom and renowned Crust Cutter. “We do this every weekday: I make us a couple PBJs, turn on Ellen, and we just chill. It’s our mommy-son bonding time. I never—never—forget to cut off Finny’s crusts. He hates them. I think he must have accidentally grabbed my sandwich off the counter when I wasn’t looking and taken a bite, not realizing what he was putting in his mouth. That’s really the only plausible explanation.”
Dyner failed to mention that Channing Tatum was on Ellen that day, a fact that our reporters uncovered prior to the interview.
“Oh please, I was hardly even paying attention,” said Dyner, waving a grape jelly stained hand and avoiding eye contact. “I didn’t even like Magic Mike XXL. I hate the song ‘Pony.’ And power tools. And six packs.”
It wasn’t until Finn had consumed an entire bite of crust—bit, chewed, and swallowed—that Dyner realized what was happening.
“I glanced down and saw the sandwich on the coffee table next to him, crusts and all. There was a single bite missing, right out of the little hump near the top. You know what I’m talking about—where the loaf curves inward like an ‘M.’ Anyway, Finn had his back to me, and I just saw him start spazzing out. His arms and legs were flying all over the place, and he was jutting his hips back and forth sporadically. I thought for sure he was having a seizure.
“I grabbed him, turning him around to face me, and—my God—I almost had a heart attack when I saw it. There was a FLAX SEED on his lip,” she said, pulling a rosary out of her pocket and clutching it to her chest. “That’s when I realized the situation was even worse than I thought. He didn’t just eat a bite of crust; he ate a bite of SEEDY crust.”
Dyner told us that her son has always exhibited a strong aversion to anything with seeds, grains, or “da yucky crunchies.”
“At that point, all I remember is dropping to my knees in front of him and asking if he was okay. But he wouldn’t answer me. Instead, he just ripped his shirt off and continued humping the air. So I did what any mother would do. I immediately dialed 9-1-1.”
The 9-1-1 dispatcher who spoke with Dyner told us that there was actually a seven minute interval between the time she claimed the incident occurred and her subsequent phone call.
“Okay, so it wasn’t immediately, exactly,” Dyner said. “It took me a few minutes to find my phone.”
The dispatcher, who happened to be watching Ellen at the time, said the call arrived moments after the show hit a commercial break.
EMTs arrived on the scene minutes after Dyner spoke to the dispatcher, frantically claiming that her son was “seizing violently” and “exhibiting abnormal behavior after ingesting a foreign object.”
“Oh, give me a f*cking break,” said David Paunch, the first of the paramedics to arrive on the scene. “The kid wasn’t seizing. He was trying to imitate those stupid stripper moves. Ellen was showing clips of Magic Mike on her show that afternoon. I know because my wife threw a hissy fit when I accidentally erased it from the DVR.”
After checking his vitals and performing a brief exam, medics determined that Finn was “doing fine” and would not require any further medical treatment. They did, however, give his mother a shot of Lorazepam after a quick heart rate check revealed her to be in a state of mild tachycardia.
“We’re pretty sure it had more to do with Channing Tatum’s abs than it did any concern over her son’s physical well-being,” stated Paunch.
When we asked Finn how he was feeling after the incident, he seemed no worse for the wear.
“I want fruit snacks!” he yelled with a provocative gesture toward his groin.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.