If by love tunnel, we mean your TV. And maybe your vagina, too. Jury’s still out.
Good old Gwyneth Paltrow, queen of questionable health trends and indiscriminate vaginal tomfuckery, is bringing her overpriced, weird-shit-white-people-do wellness wackadoody to Netflix in an upcoming series titled The Goop Lab.
This time, it’s not yoni eggs she wants viewers to insert in their vagines, however. It’s Gwyneth herself. Or at least that’s what the promo images would suggest.
GUYS, THAT’S A VAGINA. WITH GWYNETH IN IT. And she’s just muscled her way past the labes and is all, “Ahh, yes, these folds right here look like the perfect spot to rest my feet as I strike a carefree pose like I’m not all up in somebody’s birth canal.”
Perhaps more disturbing than the image itself? The promise that Gwyneth and her Goop Lab plan to “reach new depths.” Please God, noooooooo.
Once you’ve suggested your followers try shoving coffee up their bumholes, I’m not sure how much deeper into depravity one can go. But if anybody can find the darkest of recesses, it’s Gwyneth I’m sure.
So what can we expect from Goop’s newest plot to destroy humanity? According to E!, viewers will be treated to “exorcisms, therapeutic psychedelics, cold therapy and of course, orgasms.”
Oh, GOODY. Nothing screams orgasm like a psychedelic exorcism in an ice chamber while Gwyneth peers on from a layered, cavernous replica of a vagina. Can’t wait.
And on whose authority will Gwyneth subject us to this malarkey? The series reportedly “will feature doctors, researchers, alternative health practitioners, and other experts in mental, physical, spiritual and sexual health.” Sure it will.
If you simply can’t wait to see what calamity Gwynnie has in store for your clam — or if you just want to gawk at the train wreck in horror — the six-episode series premieres January 24.
God help us all.