Health Humor SPM/MM

Doctors Really Want You to Stop Putting Weird Stuff in Your Vagina

Ok ladies, let’s huddle.

In the last week I’ve come across a few articles on my newsfeed of doctors urging women not to put certain things up their vaginas.

Now, I never would have considered myself to be the type of person to judge or police what other grown-ass women insert into their lady caverns, yet here we are.

I always considered myself a “live and let live” kinda gal, but if you’re walking around using your vagingo as some kind of weirdo purse, all in the name of “wellness,” then I’m gonna need you to live somewhere else. Preferably somewhere where I won’t be getting the news of your shenanigans when I’m just trying to duck and scroll.

Now, I’ve heard a lot of crazy shit, all in the name of health. However, the fact that actual doctors have had to come out and shake their fingers at the people treating their lady bits as a junk drawer really takes the fucking cake.

Behold—here are some things that doctors are just begging you to stop hoarding in your vagina.

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1. Parsley

Marie Claire published an article that has since been deleted claiming that putting parsley in your vagina can help with inducing your period. Additionally, there are many other “wellness” blogs that make this and similar claims (because it’s the Internet, baby, and anything goes). Many doctors and gynecologists have come forward saying don’t do this (duh), it doesn’t work (no kidding) and it’s actually dangerous (stahhp).

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2. Glitter

Many of us won’t even allow glitter in our fucking homes, and yet there was an online retailer selling flavored glitter vaginal capsules. These were marketed for people looking for “sparkly, flavored orgasms” (seriously, who are these people?). Doctors say don’t do this (yep), it’s a bad idea (ok) and it could lead to infections and other unpleasantness (gotcha). Reasonable people who have seen the unmitigated havoc that glitter can wreak also agree.

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3. Steam

This one got a lot of attention because it was somewhat celebrity-endorsed on Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness site GOOP, and even everyone’s favorite cool mom friend Chrissy Teigen did a post about it on her Instagram. Vaginal steaming is said to detox (wut) the vagina and typically is done using “yoni teas” or herbs. Doctors say don’t do this (of course) because your basement doesn’t need a detox (good talk) and exposing your business to hot steam is a really really bad idea (you don’t say).

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Stop it.


We’re better than this.

When in doubt – just don’t.

The Internet is full of lies.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

This post was originally published on Healthy Living for Hot Messes.