By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Millennials rejoice, because now you can have your food both fast and Insta-ready.
McDonald’s recently announced it will be offering a new “Instagrammable” food menu, targeted toward millennials who, according to the popular fast food chain’s latest campaign, “just wanna take fucking pictures of pretty food to share on social media and then scarf down a bag of Doritos in the privacy of their parents’ basements.”
“We are constantly evolving to meet customer demands,” said Rich O. Beezity, head of McDonald’s menu strategy team in a public statement earlier this week. “And right now, people want to show off what they’re eating. So we’ve created a line of inedible, but delectable-looking, menu items. They’re aesthetically-pleasing, 100% recyclable, and—most importantly—camera-ready. #NoFilter required. Our ultimate goal is to help customers convey via social media how much better they’re eating than everyone else.”
When we contacted Beezity for a phone interview following the announcement, we asked him if McDonald’s had to do much financial shifting in order to make the new menu happen. The multi-billionaire—known to his coworkers simply as “Big Mac”—assured us that everything has been relatively low-cost.
“To be honest, we didn’t even have to change much,” he said. “You’re familiar with the six-year Happy Meal experiment, right? We’ve always prided ourselves on our highly durable ingredients. Most of our food is already pumped with preservatives anyway. We did have to adjust our budget a tad to accommodate the cost of paint, but we just docked our workers’ pay. Most of the people who work for us do it for the joy of the job—not the paycheck—anyway.”
Beezity told us the company hired a talented culinary sculptor to design the new food.
“I don’t have the authority to give out her name just yet,” he said. “What I can tell you is that she really gets our artistic vision. She’s employed a variety of techniques to accomplish that ‘foodstagram’ look we’re striving for. All her pieces incorporate rich colors, life-life texture, and—of course—that ‘good enough to eat’ element.”
We asked Beezity if he’s concerned about the reusability of the menu items. In other words, what’s to stop customers from simply buying one fake meal and using it multiple times?
“Well, first of all, let’s stay away from the word ‘fake,’” he said. “That implies that our customers are aiming to put out some kind of ‘fake’ persona on their social media accounts, which certainly isn’t the case. People like to showcase how real they are on Instagram.
“Secondly,” he laughed, “do you honestly believe millennials want people thinking they’re eating the same thing every day? No one wants to post pictures of the same food twice. We’ll be constantly changing our Instagrammable food offerings, and I am confident that customers will keep coming back for the sake of variety.”
Beezity said that while he’s not prepared to release the details of the exact menu offerings just yet, he can promise they’ll be “envy-inducing as fuck,” and will definitely include food that “gives the appearance of actually being healthy.” And while the food itself is inedible, he says it doesn’t have to go to waste when customers are done photographing it.
“Most of our menu items can be reused as paperweights,” he said. “Or passed along to kids to be used as high-end toy food. I’m pretty sure it’s non-toxic. Or, at the very least, no more poisonous than our standard Happy Meal offerings.”
McDonald’s new Instagrammable Menu will be available starting August first.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars (www.betweenthemonkeybars.com).