Going to the doctor is a huge pain in the ass. First, there’s the waiting in the waiting room, and then there’s the waiting in the next waiting room. Your average clinic is like one of those Russian nesting dolls, except instead of dolls, it’s rooms upon rooms intended for you to sit and wait in. I hope you like Good Housekeeping magazines from 1996. Because you’re going to be bored AF and that will be the only thing you have available to read.
If you’re really lucky you will be there with kids. They might have medical supplies and electronics like phones and printers completely within reach so that your kids have something to go after over and over again. That is, when they aren’t trying to lift dirty band-aids out of the trash can like some sort of medical raccoon.
The funny thing about the doctor is that it’s supposed to be a place where you go to get healthy. But instead you are surrounded by germs, sick people and unflattering fluorescent lighting. Rude.
Parents are a funny group because we are usually so busy trying to keep our kids alive that we don’t take care of ourselves at all. Doctors see right through this because, surprise, many of them have kids too!
The following is a list of tweets from the funny parents of Twitter about going to the doctor. Enjoy responsibly!
1. Don’t even bother trying to lie about your drinking habits
Doctor: Do you exercise?
Me: No. Never.
Doc: How often?
Me: 4 kids.
Doc: Heavily. Got it.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 19, 2019
2. The only med for this one is time
Found out at my Doctor's appointment that the disturbing voices I've been hearing non stop are called children.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 14, 2017
3. Get outta here, pal
*throws apple at doctor's head*
— Marl (@Marlebean) February 11, 2015
4. Unconventional, but I’ll allow it
Doctor: How do you practice self-care?
Doctor: Pillows? By sleeping on them?
Me: No. By screaming into them.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) January 18, 2018
5. They didn’t ask for specifics
Doctor: “Do you exercise?”
Me: [thinking of the arm curls to get the chips from the bag to my mouth] “Yes, daily.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 1, 2018
6. HOW LONG HAVE I GOT, DOC
(After seeing a documentary about dogs who can smell epileptic seizures, low blood sugar and cancer.)
Doctor: Can I ask why you think you need a whole body CT scan?
Me: My dog stared at me for a solid five minutes this morning and I couldn’t figure out what he wanted.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) March 5, 2018
7. Spoiler alert – it could never be where it needs to be to handle them
Check with your doctor to make sure your blood pressure is controlled enough to have children.
— Life📌UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) March 2, 2018
8. It’s like a mini-vacation!
Ahh…the weekend, I can finally relax in this urgent care waiting room
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 11, 2016
9. Aw, you hid in the bathroom, that’s cute
So desperate to get away from my kids, I spent half the day in the ER.
Because hiding in the bathroom is for amateurs.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) July 13, 2017
Trying to convince your kid to wear a jacket is exactly like trying to convince your husband to go to the doctor.
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) March 19, 2019
11. Let’s not get bogged down by details
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) March 19, 2019
12. From the mouths of babes…
Nurse Practitioner: Does he eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables each day?
Me: For the most part.
3: I like chocolate milk and french fries!
— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) April 24, 2018
13. A trip to the gyno can lead to increased self-esteem
Three separate doctors have told me that I have a perfect cervix. The first time I was like “what a weird thing to say” but by the third time I was just smuggly lookin down the stirrups like “don’t I know it 😏😏😏”
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) August 13, 2018
14. Early? LOL, nice one
Receptionist: Please arrive 15 minutes before your appointment so that…
Me: So a rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar…
Receptionist: Excuse me?
Me: Oh, I thought we were making jokes.
— Leslie Gaar (@lgaarwrites) March 24, 2019
15. And now you know
Rock stars will totally autograph your boobs, but ask your doctor to when he's writing out your Zpack Rx & it gets all weird.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 26, 2016
16. Food for thought
I’m always exceptionally kind and patient with my children while we wait for the pediatrician because I have a fear that there are cameras and it’s taking so long because the doctor is reviewing my every action as a mother.
Anyway can’t wait to see what virus we leave with today.
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) December 18, 2018
17. If you say diet and exercise, I’m leaving
"I'm so sick and don't know why. I just want answers!"
DOC: Here's a solution…
"No, not that one."
-Me as a patient, apparently.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) July 15, 2017
18. I mean, it would slow her reaction time
Me: Kate needs shots today. I'm going to need your muscles at the doctor's office.
Dad of the year: Can we get her drunk first?
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) May 15, 2014
19. And yet we all try it
“You can’t cram for a dental exam.” – My husband as I floss for the first time the night before a dentist appt.
— Hashtag MomFail (@hashtagmomfail) October 11, 2018
20. That’s enough, honey
5yo: where’s the scissors?
5: I’m playing doctor…
5: on the dog
M: **takes back scissors**
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) May 18, 2019
21. This gel polish has to be worth a few ounces
[Doctor's office]<frantically peeling off nail polish> Okay, weigh me again.
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) August 10, 2017
22. That was a good one, doc
The doctor asked if I was sexually active and we just laughed and laughed.
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 14, 2018
Trips to the doctor are a necessary inconvenience
If this gave you a chuckle, then share it with your friends and reap the rewards of laughter increasing your lifespan and well-being!