By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Washington, D.C.— It seems that Pete Buttigieg is driving President Donald Trump up the wall. Or, rather, driving him to build another one.
In an impromptu address live-streamed from the White House yesterday afternoon, the president announced his plan to build a giant wall around possible 2020 election opponent Pete Buttigieg (D), current mayor of South Bend, IN.
“Everyone’s going to be talking about it,” Trump stated from the White House lawn, standing behind a gold-plated podium nestled between a couple of crimson pine trees. (Sources confirmed the red pines were sanctioned by First Lady Melania.) “It’s going to be huge. Very, very huge.”
Trump went on to accuse Buttigieg of being a “not good, not very outstanding” presidential candidate, even going so far as to call the South Bend native’s citizenship into question.
“I mean, this guy, he speaks all these languages. Like, I can’t even remember all these languages,” he said. “Norwegian, Spanish, something-something, Pig Latin, blah blah, French, ‘Homosexual,’” he added, raising a couple of stubby orange fingers to make air quotes. “I mean, who needs all these languages, all these words?
“I will tell you, the only language America needs is the language of Donald Trump. Believe me, I’m like, a very, very smart person. This guy. This guy and all his languages. It makes you wonder where he’s even really from.”
Trump went on to belittle Buttigieg’s veteran status, calling him “a clearly not very loyal and not very serious guy” and a “major, major threat to the American job market.”
“This guy, we can’t have him coming here and stealing people’s jobs. Stealing my job. This guy, he says he served in Afghanistan when he was the mayor. So what he’s saying is, he’s saying he left his job in America to go hang out with foreigners. Not good, very not good,” he added. “And then he comes back, wants his job back, wants to take my job.”
Here, Trump paused a moment, leaning to the side of the podium. “Where’s my water bottle? I thought we were working on the water bottle situation.”
Trump also stated his intentions to make the city of South Bend, where Buttigieg currently presides as mayor, pay for the wall.
“South Bend will totally, definitely pay for the wall,” he said. “They can use their drug money. That city has some bad, bad hombres. Believe me, I’ve seen this, and I’ve sort of witnessed it—in fact, in three cases I have actually witnessed it.”
Trump’s address concluded with a brief, one-question Q&A session, during which a New York Times reporter asked him whether Buttigieg would be the only individual enclosed by the proposed wall. In a surprising turn of events, Trump gave the following uncharacteristically vague and indirect response: “Well, this guy. This guy doesn’t have any kids I can rip from his arms at the wall. But I heard he has a cat. We’ll maybe let the cat through. I don’t know. I don’t know about the cat. This guy, he shouldn’t have a cat anyway. Shouldn’t have a p*ssy. I must tell you, he doesn’t even like the women. He can leave the p*ssy with me. I’m gonna grab that thing. It will be very, very tremendous when I grab that p*ssy.”
When our reporters later contacted President Trump for a statement regarding his comments about Buttigieg’s “p*ssy,” he brushed us off, scoffing at the recording we played back for him.
“No, I didn’t say that,” he said. “No. Very, very no. Wrong. Deny, deny, deny.”
Note: Although President Trump never actually addressed Pete Buttigieg by name in his live broadcast, we did confirm that it was, in fact, Mayor Pete Buttigieg of whom he was speaking. Trump told us, “That guy. I can’t say that guy’s name. It’s a very stupid, not good name. So, I’m not gonna say it. I don’t say stupid, not good things.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars