By E.R. Catalano of Zoe vs. the Universe
First-time world leader, and longtime stranger to self-reflection and nuance, President Donald Trump has got a plan, and that plan is a wall that he claims will pay for itself. That’s because, according to insiders, the “wall” that will run along the U.S.-Mexico border will be composed entirely of slot machines.
“It’s win-win-lose-but-also-occasionally-win. Then lose again,” say Trump representatives. “Even naysayers agree, the one thing you have to give Trump is his proven ability to bring people of all nations, and creeds, plus the elderly together — in casinos! Who doesn’t love to gamble!?”
As Trump, or maybe it was Liberace, said, “Gambling is as American as a super-sized apple pie topped with whipped cream from cows that shit gold.”
The President says his gamble is a sure bet: No one will want to go home, or find a new one on either side of the border as long as the casino is open, which it will be 24 hours a day, eight days a week.
Did I say eight? That’s because starting in 2018, Trump Day (trademark pending) will rudely elbow itself between Saturday and Sunday each week. It will be a day both shorter and longer than a regular day, depending on whom you talk to and if they’re clinically insane.
According to sources inside the apocalyptic administration, after the original costs of installation, Trump’s Great Wall of Big Fun will pay for itself, not just due to players from the American or Mexican sides, but because people from all over the world will flock to the Trump wall/casino.
Forget the Las Vegas strip or the Mall of America, or even Chicago’s Magnificent Mile; Trump’s 2,000-mile wall of slot machines will be the most monstrous and blingiest tribute to American overconsumption and vice since Kim and Kanye’s anything, one that our rapacious and mariachi-band loving neighbors to the south will shake hands over like any cordial next-door neighbors shaking hands over a fence, only this fence happens to be very long and full of flashing lights and dinging bells and will likely be brighter from space than the Great Barrier Reef.
But most important of all, Trump’s Great Wall of Big (the Biggest) Fun will be a wall of community, love, and desperate dreams of unearned fortune.
Trump’s ‘Great, It’s Really Great, Folks, Believe Me, Wall of Big (the Biggest) Fun’ will also provide jobs. Former border patrol agents will be absorbed into the new mecca-for-gamblers as cashiers, valets, and bartenders. An oasis for touristst, the wall will be a draw for the best and most legitimate businesses, including hotels, bars, restaurants, and shopping malls.
And wait till you hear how the wall will benefit women. Feminists, rejoice! There will be the best jobs for women. Ladies in terrific shape will be needed to dance on the wall and also serve drinks. Beautiful pieces of ass will make enough money to afford the new Trump U.S.A./World Health Care (trademark, and lawsuits, pending), which has generous benefits for cosmetic surgery.
In fact, your first boob job is free. Because in Trump’s America, all women will have the opportunity to fulfill their or their partners’ dreams of them becoming a 10.
A version of this post was first published on Medium.
About the Author
E. R. Catalano is a writer and mother of one evil mastermind living in Brooklyn, NY. She writes a humor blog at www.zoevstheuniverse.com, and she’s a contributor to I Just Want to Be Perfect, The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and Never Will I Ever (and Then I Had Kids). Her writing has also appeared on McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and HaHas for HooHahs, among others. You can follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/zoevstheuniverse and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse.