"There must be some black-market delivery service out there that I don’t know about. I hope they wear gloves.”

Woman Bathes in Hand Sanitizer, Suffers Alcohol Poisoning

"There must be some black-market delivery service out there that I don’t know about. I hope they wear gloves.”

By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

The deadly coronavirus has claimed yet another victim, this time in the form of a young mother of three from Parenoya, WY, whom officials say “was just trying to take proper precautions against the terrifying epidemic.”

Doctors at Ancks IT Medical Center in Parenoya report that 34-year-old Tara Histey arrived by ambulance late Tuesday evening after her husband found her locked in the bathroom, unresponsive and steeped neck-deep in a bathtub filled with alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

“When we arrived on the scene, her husband had already begun performing CPR,” one of the first-responder paramedics told us. “It took a while to actually locate the couple, as our team had to navigate around pyramids of toilet paper and gallons of water stacked in front of the bathroom door. By the time we reached them, it was too late.”

The paramedic said that the life-saving procedures Histey’s husband undertook were ineffective due to his own fears surrounding the coronavirus.

“We believe the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation Mr. Histey performed on his wife would have been more effective had he not been wearing a face mask at the time he performed it.”

By the time Histey reached the hospital, doctors were unable to revive her. An autopsy performed that afternoon revealed her blood-alcohol content to be a staggering .62. Officials later stated the official cause of death as “blood-alcohol poisoning brought on by excessive internal and external consumption of hand sanitizer, exacerbated by a heightened state of anxiety and extreme paranoia.”

“It looks like she took the CDC’s recommendation to use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer to an extreme level,” stated the doctor in charge of Histey’s case. “Not only did she bathe in it, but fecal and urine cultures examined in our lab also suggest that she was consuming it orally in large quantities.”

Officials later reported that Histey’s husband found “an obscene and highly concentrated amount” of hand sanitizer percolating in the couple’s Mr. Coffee when he returned home later that evening.

Histey’s husband also said that he’d received a series of unsettling texts from his wife earlier Tuesday morning and wishes he would have come home from work to check on her sooner.

“Her friend Sharon was sharing articles about the coronavirus on Facebook every 15 minutes,” he told us. “And most of them had those really intimidating, full-color photos of scientific-y, lumpy blobs. She was scared. And then she tried to place a grocery order on Kroger, and there was some notification on the website about customers being limited to the amount of disinfectant they could purchase in one transaction. I think that pushed her over the edge.

“Honestly, I have no idea where she even got all that sanitizer shit,” he said. “She refused to leave the house. There must be some black-market delivery service out there that I don’t know about. I hope they wear gloves.”

Officials have deemed Histey’s case as the first coronavirus-related death in the state of Wyoming.

“At least she was sanitary when she died,” her husband said. “Although we’ll probably still opt for a closed-casket funeral, just to be on the safe side.”


About the Author

Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.