Ditch the essential oils and crystals and surround ourselves with flying bronze dicks instead.
Health Humor

Ward Off Illness with Ancient Bronze D*cks? Don’t Mind if I Do!

In these trying times of health-related panic, folks looking to ward off disease and boost immunity might be in for a hell of a ride.

Just as in other periods of history where outbreaks were present, there are probably a whole host of snake-oil peddlers looking to capitalize off the panic and cover it in a hearty layer of essential oil and nonsense. However, this isn’t new behavior. Since the beginning of time, we humans have been looking in the strangest of places for wellness. Case-in-point: these flying dicks, courtesy of the Romans.

According to Atlas Obscura, back before medicine was a “thing,” the Romans used penis-shaped amulets to help ward off illness and envy. These giant dicks were winged (whattt) and used for people and their children (WHATTTT) to help stave off sickness.

Apparently, the big D was referring to disease all this time!

The phallic amulets were considered to be a symbol of divinity and had many uses: as a marker of social status, to bring luck and health, and sometimes even as windchimes.

These dicks were truly more versatile than that belonging to your unfaithful college boyfriend who listened to too much Sting and thought he was a Tantric sex god when he wasn’t too busy doing shrooms behind the pit and crushing Monster energy drinks.

Apparently these symbols were so important, they appeared everywhere. According to Atlas Obscura, these were called “fascinum,” which translates to “divine penis.” They were often used to protect children and babies due to the incredibly high death rates of young people back in those times.

Phallic symbols were thought to have power due to their ties with fertility, something that was considered truly magical at the time.

These amulets get an A+ for creativity, with their wings, and tails, and fists, and feet. Truly more interesting than the random dicks that get sent to women online in modern times (go winged or go home, pal).

While modernity can bring lots of amazing advances, maybe we’d be better off ditching the essential oils and crystals and surrounding ourselves with flying bronze dicks instead?

*Cut to every husband everywhere doing the helicopter dance*