By Mock Mom Contributors
These are dark times, people. We’re living in an unprecedented state of relentless paranoia, uncertainty, and mass hysteria, fighting over basic necessities like food and toilet paper. Daily life has become unpredictable and unnerving at best, and send-you-to-the-psych-ward crazy at worst. It’s madness, I tell you. Complete and utter madness.
I’m not talking about the Coronavirus outbreak, at least not directly.
No, I’m talking about the fact that schools and daycares across the country have shut down, effectively trapping many of us in our respective households with something far more terrifying than COVID-19:
Our motherfucking children.
Luckily for you, we at Mock Mom are well-versed in the art of finding ways to not completely lose our shit in times of chaos, and we’ve taken it upon ourselves to share a bit of our infinite wisdom with you. Without further ado, we present:
18 Ways to Stay Sane if You’re Trapped at Home with Your Kids
Start a March Madness bracket predicting which one of your relatives will go mad first.
Plan a family game night. Cups, beer pong, anything involving alcohol. Don’t invite the rest of your family.
Build a bunch of IKEA furniture because, what the hell, your life sucks already anyway.
Write a fun home-schooling curriculum. Then use it to light yourself on fire.
Do a lot of at-home, ahem, “baking.”
Order food delivery and make a quick getaway by stealing their car.
Read The Hunger Games, watch The Hunger Games, then live The Hunger Games.
Find someone with a confirmed case of Coronavirus and ask them to sneeze on you. Report yourself and pray they throw you in isolation somewhere.
Solicit a local prostitute … for her babysitting rates.
Become an expert in divorce law after many Google searches.
Make sure all the kids get outside for some fresh air on a daily basis. Also make sure all the locks on your exterior doors are functioning properly.
Take up intermittent fasting…because you ate all the food in the house 2 days into your 14-day quarantine.
Play homemade Family Feud. Which is literally just you feuding with your family.
Jump out the window, set off on foot, start a new life in the Yukon.
Or just, you know, jump out the window. Preferably one a few stories up.
Dye your hair to cover all the grays that have suddenly appeared.
Knit yourself a neat hat to cover up all the hair you’ve pulled out.
Tell your kids the Coronavirus is often transmitted orally, particularly via whining, nagging, and constant use of the phrases “I’m bored” and “I’m hungry.”
This obviously-practical and super-handy list was compiled by the following MockMom contributors: Crystal Lowery, Joanna McClanahan, Anna Skogerboe Gracia, and Sam Wassel.